Judge me please... I NEED to know | 01/21/2009 |
 WhEn PuSh CoMeS tO sHoVe
Ugg... how do I put this. I hate my life. Everything is just so screwed up right now. I understand there are so many more people out there with worse lives than mine... but I am just a weak person. There is no other way around it.
Let me start from the beginning. So yesterday went GREAT! Brittany and I tried on some dresses, I found two that I like and might get one of them tomorrow, maybe a different one. I had called my mom to tell her where I was, well the answering machine, but still. Got home, she said that the bank wouldn't let me be on the loan but that they would (as in her and my dad) would get the loan and I would pay them, and then when I turn 18 I can get my name added to it. Great!
We call up the 2 places with cars, one in Plattsmouth and one in Omaha. We went to the one in Plattsmouth first (mind you it was already 5:30 and the place closed at 7) because it was the farthest one away and it had the nicest car. We got there late, and my dad didn't like the way I was driving (speeding, mainly) and well I ignored that for the most part. Got there, the car was GREAT. It was so NICE. But I would have had to get a 12,000 dollar loan and I needed like 2 grand less. This place, which was smaller, with a nicer car at a higher price, was going to show 2,400 for my car.
So then we went to the one in Omaha, which was not as nice of a car but still really, really nice, with a lower price and about 5k more miles. Needless to say they did not want to show even 1 grand for my car. We drove home in my car, which was NO big deal. I understood and I do understand the fact that I cannot afford a 200 dollar a month car payment. I get it.
On the way home I had said that I wish we knew if we could get 3,000-3500 for my car if we sold it directly (on Craig's List) so that maybe my parents could front that money to begin with and then take the money from my sold car. I said I wish; I didn't expect them too.
Later on as we are basically in Fremont (so at this point we had been in the car for like 4 hours -_-'), I was trying to explain WHY I wanted a new car. I was saying something like "I have terrible luck with cars. *see previous entry for list* I just KNOW something is going to go wrong. I hate, hate, hate being worried that every time I start my car something else is going to go wrong. Oh! The fan is making a weird noise, oh no! Oh, what was that sound? Was that the road or my car? Oh crap, my window doesn't want to go up very fast, please don't let the motor go out while it is still down!" Get the idea? At some point during this, I am getting upset because really everything just goes so, so wrong. And I am upset, not over not getting a car, but because everything goes wrong. And at some point I had said "You just don't understand."
I don't know why that effected my mom so much, but OMG!! She flipped a brick! She was ranting and raving saying she isn't going to sign her name onto anything, I can just forget getting a loan. She isn't going to put up with this, and the only reason she will sign her name on anything is if it is for her and not nobody else. (I udnerstand double negative, but that is what she said.) Now, I know. I am sitting there, driving, just stunned. I have no idea where this has come from and what I did to get this thrown at me.
Well... see... this is part where it gets bad. I should have been the better person. I should have just let drop. But I was already upset at myself and then she just starts throwing all of this at me and I can't stand it. I flip too. Well first I try and figure out why, and then I flip but it was all within like 2 minutes so really not too big of a deal. Now... do you really expect a 17 year old to just let that drop? I am sorry, I can be SO mature. But if I have done nothing wrong, then I just can't stand it. I am sorry but she started it (as immature as that sounds) and it is much worse for the 40-something year old than the 17 year old, imo.
Well - do you see where this is going? I just escalated. Shortly thereafter that, she told me to stop the car and let her out. So you know what? I did. Yeah, that is right. I stopped my car, and told her to get out. She could walk or call my sister, I didn't care. If she wanted out, she could just get out. At that point she told my dad (who was in the front with me) to take the keys and drive, but I was like 'No, this is my car.' We probably sat there for 5 minutes.
It was not until after this that she said she reacted the way she did in the first place because I was acting, snotty - unappreciative. I understand I am not an objective opinion, but I do not know where in the world she could have gotten that. I was not talking about them AT ALL, AT ALL. I was saying why I wanted a new car and how this one worries so much and it stresses me out. I don't understand how snotty and unappreciative relate to that.
It did not help that my dad said I was riding this dude's ass when we got into Cedar, which I was, but he pulled out in front of me, and I was watching him, and I was already in a bad mood. And he was practically yelling at me to stop, and I am thinking, wtf, I am driving, just leave me alone. He pulled out in front of me and then doesn't even go the freaking speed limit.
Needless to say, I stayed in my car for like half an hour, went inside, fell asleep, went to bed, fell asleep. I didn't say anything to my mom this morning when I woke up, because it was NOT my fault... well no... that is not right. It is not all my fault. But I refuse to apologize for something that I did not do to begin with. If I had started it and if I had felt guilty for being a bitch, then I would have - in a heartbeat. But I DID NOTHING WRONG!!!!
What I did do instead was write a note to my parents, saying, blah-blah. 'I am sorry I am an evil child. I am sorry I am such a pain. I am sorry that you are most likely thinking this is some kind of twisted trick by me to make you out to be the bad guy. But I know, it is all my fault. It is always my fault.' Blah-blah. 'But if you want to keep thinking like this, and if you do not want to do anything about the current situation then just leave me alone. Because I can't take it anymore. I had worked so hard to turn my life around and be happy and be more outgoing and in one night it crashes down around me and I am left to dust myself off. So just don't talk to me, and leave me alone.' Blah-blah-blah. 'I won't say I am sorry, because I am not. I refuse to apologize, even though I know it is all my fault. So yeah, I am sorry I am so worthless and I am sorry I am the evil child. But please, just leave me alone. And do not think it is because I dislike you like you do me, it is because I can't take everything crashing anymore. Oh and I am buying my own prom dress, so you won't have to.' (Even though we had decided they would pay for half, but I won't let them.)
Well, I understand this is long, but I do have very long entries. But, sigh, I need to get back to filling out my job applications for Godfather's and Burger King. HERE'S TO HOPING!!!! (Yeah... I kind of want to work like 35-40 hours a week... I'm nuts. I know.)
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