Smile...
Let me see where to start. Well I kinda left off with Sunday stating that I wasn't going to talk on Monday cause I was annoyed at my friends. That went over pretty great, just talked in 2nd, 3rd, a tad in 4th and then in 8th. It certainly got their attention.
My only problem is that now that I am talking, I find I don't have much to say. Or no... that is wrong. I do... but I feel distant - somehow. Like I feel like the things I have to say are not that important to my friends. Really, no one that I know knows about Brian or Jared. Obviously they know about John (Case 4) but that is not the point. Well Brittany, one of my friends, might still remember that I like Brian... but that was way back during homecoming that I told her. I feel ignored while at the same time I know I am not.
I am worried because it feels like I am falling into a rut... into one of my moods. I am just very depressed and I haven't been for so long and it is just making me more depressed. I am finding myself worrying about everything and I haven't really calmed down and I am nervous and slightly twitchy and paranoid and I hate it. But I mean how am I supposed to talk to the people that are supposed to be my friends when they just talk amongst themselves and when I ask what they're talking about they don't tell me? How am I supposed to talk to them when they never include them and yeah, I haven't gone out much lately, but I've called them up at times to try and do stuff.
Yeah most of it is probably my fault (what isn't?), but I am not a very trusting person... I guess. And it just seems everything in my head is compiling against them. I feel like I've grown more secluded and that I'm losing my voice. And I hate it. I am just so sad and no one sees it.
My next issue really comes from the fact that this dude - Peter - seriously ticked me off last night. So we have a discussion forum we have to post in for school. I wrote a post to it, and gave my side and stated my reasons why. You know I actually supported my statement and gave examples. And we replies to a dude that I can kinda see how he didn't get my post, but Peter, he responded saying that he agreed and it was too long and he wasn't going to waste him to read it and that he would probably disagree with me anyway. So I am wrong.
That seriously ticked me off, and I replied back, yelling at him as much as you can over the internet. And I told him not to talk to me or about me today in English when he started telling people about it. Then in History class that I have with him I told him (jokingly, cause seriously he is like 6 foot, football player and wrestler, and I am like 5' 2" and I do nothing.) that I was going to kill him if he doesn't stop. Then - it was a sub - the guys (cause I am the only girl) were all jokingly telling the sub to report me because you get in seriously trouble for that at my school. Because I am saying 'terroristic threats'. I have no idea if he (the sub) really is, but it ticked me off anymore.
But little miss positive that I am, I tried my best to be in a good mood. You know, I didn't want to be all ticked off and angry and snappy because I don't like to be. I went about my day for the next 2 periods until lunch and I didn't think I was being mean or rude or pissy or anything like that. But I guess I was. I don't know. Because when I get to lunch all of my friends are asking me why I'm being pissy and mean and rude and in a bad mood. And I am like no I am not. And they tell me this a couple of times, and I am getting fed up with it, so I am getting in a bad mood.
Then we get into photography, and I don't remember how we started talking about it again. But we did and I kinda had a mini-explosion at them, well Brittany in particular. I was like "Why is it that when I am in a bad mood the world like stops and it is such a bad thing! How come you guys get to be all ticked off and mad and it is OK but as soon as I do I am terrible?" Then they tell me that I had been in a bad mood all freaking week!
SERIOUSLY!! Monday I was laughing, I just didn't talk. Tuesday, I blew up at Peter because he said my name and I wanted to know why the hell he was talking about me and what he said, and Brittany just brushed it off and acted like I was crazy. And then, hell, I don't know what I did yesterday, but apparently I was in a bad mood then too. And today I got mad at Peter again and suddenly I have to be in a bad mood because I got mad at someone.
My teacher she told us to stop arguing and that we weren't allowed to argue. Well I had to have one more go, before she finally told us to not argue the rest of the day. But that doesn't mean I don't get to be sarcastic. So whenever someone talked to me or anything I would say something like 'Well, I don't know. Apparently I am in a bad mood and am being mean so....' And well, my last 2 classes have been with that same teacher so she was getting slightly fed up with me.
And it is just so... GRRR! I don't like being angry and I didn't think I was. But I guess I was and I just don't know. And I am so upset that they all think I was being mean. But one, Katie, she even said that I have been nice to all of them (my friends) just to other people. And it is like, all right, so what the frick is the problem. Oh I remember how we started on the subject. Kasey, he doesn't sit at our table at lunch so he didn't know what was going on and he is in photography. Well I was like, well I'm not being mean to Kasey, and then I started off naming people.
But... man... I don't get it. What am I doing that is so wrong? Everyone else gets to be in a bad mood and it is all right but I am angry for a little bit and the world just freaking stops. I am in a bad mood and suddenly it is not all right, it is like hell itself is raising from the bowls of all that is evil and is overflowing onto the earth drowning the world in hatred!
Maybe it doesn't help that no of my friends, except one, got me a birthday present, even though like 2-3 of them said they would. Yeah, I am probably going to get it from Christmas right before our break, but I don't know. I seriously just don't know, and I am about to the point that I don't care. It is like seriously. I am not even coherent right now I am so upset and if I wasn't still at school I would probably be crying right now.
What is going through my mind is the simple fact that I swear to everything that is right in this world that I was not in a bad mood. I swear it. But they kept telling me I was, and so it is like "Well fine, if I am apparently in a bad mood I might as well start acting like so I will be in a freaking bad mood!"
It just feels like everything is falling apart and I don't know what to do.
On the bright side, I talked with Brian this morning and he agreed with me that Peter was being a stupid idiotic jerk with his post. That is the only bright part of my day.
Yesterday, I really don't understand yesterday. It was going great. We all tried to swallow grapes whole, but I couldn't cause well I can't even swallow pills, there was no way I could swallow a grape. I tried, but it failed... miserably. Then we baked cookies with the little kids and frosted them and everything. Then we had so much extra we gave one to like all of the high school and middle school students and the teachers and everything. We dipped pretzels too, which I loved those. And then I told our FBLA teacher that I would go to this senior citizen center-type place and hand out Christmas cards, and there were 4 other people I would drive. And then this lady that interviewed Kasey about his Christmas Ball that went up on the White House Christmas Tree started talking to the FBLA teacher about the cooking baking and everything.
So I was waiting around to ask her where the Christmas cards were the little kids made. And Brian and I got interviewed and everything. I did forget to tell Julie that I couldn't work tonight 8:30 to closing the concession but I am doing that in like 15 minutes once school is out. And then I went to school, and Annie, another of my friends but not part of the above incident, well she got confused on the time and I was freaking out a little bit, but we were all right.
Then Annie, Taryn (one of her friends I was driving too) and I went into Fremont to pick up Andy and Nico. And we didn't know which house was Nico's so we left to pick up Andy and had Andy get out and figure out which was which, and ended up picking him up but we were late but still handed out the cards and everything. I was cussing alot because there were cars in my way, and we were late and confused. But I really didn't think they minded, and that had a valid reason (not that everything else I've done didn't) because it was a little icy, and we were late, and yeah... you get the idea. Nothing was going right. But it was fun. I didn't think I was really in a bad mood or anything.
But apparently I don't know my moods that well and I don't know myself because I am completely wrong. So yeah, that is the last few days for you. Oh and WORD has not been autosaving my story I've been writing and I've lost like a couple hundred words because my computer keeps restarting itself at like 3 AM because of freaking WINDOWS update. Nothing left, I think. Sorry it is so long. Sorry it isn't anything happen. Just sorry.
Loading...
