Ugh I keep trying to write on my short story but I keep getting distracted, and I really haven't been able to focus today at all.
here's what I did today, just in the 8 hours I was at work:
- Counted inventory (not all of it, but i did four sections/three hours' worth)
- Drew with my crayons and sketchbook (yes, i'm five... ha, crayons are actually helpful with stress relief IMO)
- Read almost 200 pages in my current book
- Did my actual job (checking out customers/restocking) (it was a slow day though, so there wasn't much of that to do)
- Wrote two pages.
I mean, okay maybe it's not a lot, IDK. I was just super anxious because this morning my computer wouldn't turn on, and I panicked because I'd been hoping to write this morning. And then I had an email from Ana and she was not doing well and all I wanted to do was crawl through the computer and go over and take her in my arms and hug her. I didn't get a chance to reply to her, though, and I had to go to work.
I was just more anxious because I was thinking about how SHE was doing (and she hasn't been doing well anyway because she's waiting to get in her with her professional therapist/psychologist/whatever the title is and she has to wait like forever and her medication isn't helping as much as it should and AHHH okay I worry.). I know the rule about being with somebody that is depressed or has any kind of mental illness is that you can't expect love to cure it. And I don't expect that, because I know it's not magical. I only feel like I'm getting better because I'm on meds and in therapy. And she was doing well when she was seeing somebody and on meds, but right now she's in between things, ANYWAY, I feel like I'm going way too deeply into her personal history. But it worries me.
Anyway, back to the anxiety thing: I went to the DMV on Tuesday to try to get my enhanced license, but it turns out I didn't have the right paperwork, and I basically like cried almost, with the lady that was trying to help me. God I felt so dumb, but I was so stressed out that day. And the rest of this week has left me tense. I need my landlady to sign some paperwork before I go back to the DMV and I'm hoping to go on Monday and get this thing sorted out.
I feel better now, and Ana and I are going to (hopefully) talk tomorrow. I feel tense when we can't talk for a bit because then I don't know where we stand, and it's frustrating.
We did a video chat on Thursday and OMG. She has this way of looking at me where I just kind of forget that anything else exists except for her. And she said "I wonder which of us will be in more trouble in Canada" with this kind of smirk and oh my. Let me tell you, the most frustrating thing about long distance is seeing their face and having the giant urge to hold her face and kiss her and realizing you can't.
All the little things too -- holding her hand, snuggling up next to her, tickling her, bopping her in the nose.
omg i'm gonna go sap now
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