There's a pile of stuff, so I'll try to break it into smaller pieces:
1.) My sister (the 23 year old) has a boyfriend. She met him online and he seems exactly her type, and he's super cute (I've seen a pic, haven't met the guy). I'm a little worried though because IDK if she agreed to date him because he liked her and IDK if she actually has feelings for him back? But I don't know how to ask this. So I told her just to do what feels right to her. But I can't tell her what to do, even if I want to wrap her in bubblewrap and take care of her.
2.) There's this guy I follow on Tumblr and Twitter, Max. He's in a foreign country and I have only really known him the past year, but I am trying to figure out if it's time for me to back away. He's like 17 I think, and the past couple months he's been really depressed and threatening suicide. And I try to give him nice comments and be there for him, but I really can't. It's extremely stressful for me, especially because Max does this thing where 'nobody talks to me nobody cares' and I send him a message "hey, I'm here if you want to talk" and he goes "I can't have conversations right now I can't." and all this stuff. And I know, internally, that it's the depression and so on that is influencing his actions, but I'm also starting to think that perhaps I am not as high on his list of people as I thought I was. I mean, it's not my conversation he wants or needs, it's not my help he wants. I don't want to block or unfollow him, but I think right now I need to train myself to stop responding?
3.) Yesterday I had an internet-free day, which may not sound that difficult to some but means a lot to me. My communication with Ana is 99% online (the other 1% being letters but those are few and far between). So I didn't log on to the internet and I put in my time at work, then came home, did some cleaning, went for a walk, wrote a LOT on my latest piece. I like how it was kind of like a cleanse, so I think I may do it once every week. (Tuesdays seem to work best, because I have therapy and work to keep me busy most of the day)
4.) Today I had a really difficult day, but IDK why. Ana was talking a lot about dudes and sometimes that seems to trigger me into "well I'm not a dude, so maybe I'm not enough?" (Is this a common fear about people in bi relationships? She says that I "overestimate" her interest in dick, but then again, you should hear the way she swoons over Garth Brooks). And then just general "not good enough" fears, and I started crying, like a LOT, hard enough that I couldn't breathe, and I don't normally react this strongly but maybe I'm just PMSing which elevates everything to 11.
I kind of told her about the "not good enough" fears and she says that seems to come up a lot, and it does, I guess.
I just could NOT control my crying, so I told her I was going to go for a walk. She was getting ready to leave for an AA meeting (also!!!!! she's one month sober I'm so proud of her okay~) and I just went and walked.
Except the nurse that's caring for my house-mate saw me and asked if I was okay (because my eyes were super red) and I couldn't respond really so I just went for a walk. I think she thought I was going to jump off a bridge or something, omg.
The walk did help, but I didn't really know what I was thinking. I got back and Ana was gone, but she'd emailed me. Basically she said "I don't need you to be perfect for me, I don't want to be with somebody who is perfect."
I ended up writing something really long-winded in reply, a couple hours later when I'd had time to calm down and breathe. I still feel --- IDK, unstable? Like I might start crying if somebody says the wrong word. I took my meds, but I just feel like I'm walking on a tightrope wire and somebody will blow me down any minute.
We have dinner at the neighbor's tonight, so I'll do that, then probably go to bed early in hopes that sleeping it off will help.
Oh also I did a dumb thing which was change my relationship status to "it's complicated" on Facebook, and then Facebook translated that to "In a complicated relationship" and I added a little disclaimer bc I don't want the people who do know to be spreading details to those who don't (namely: my mom, work people). UGH I don't know. It was stupid.
anyway~
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