[Brief intro: I'm Aubrey, I've been here before. 26 year old woman living in the US.]
I don't want to write about my relationship because I can't think of any way to talk about it and be HONEST and not make it sound like I'm a fucking asshole.
so anyway, I'm in a not-ideal situation and I just want to talk about it.
Since about May of 2013 I've been in an online-only thing with a woman in Germany. Her name's Ana but I call her Comfy bc that's her online handle and she's not really comfortable with her name (she has some identity issues that I won't really go into).
The part that makes me an asshole is that she's married. I knew this when we started getting flirty, and it's pretty much the most difficult part of it all.
She doesn't have any intimacy in her marriage and she does tell me that she and her husband have trouble relating to each other. (Another point: he's like 20 years older than she is... she just turned 30). IDK. I don't really ask a lot of questions.
I've told my therapist that if her husband knew about me and was okay with it, I'd feel better. I'd even sort of suggested to Ana if she talked to him about an open thing, or semi-open. IDk. She said that's not really something they do (I guess they really don't even talk about the fact that they have problems, and their issues, IDK I just really don't ask a lot of questions about her marriage. I just know that it doesn't work for her).
I can't explain how I feel about her without like, pulling my heart out of my chest and sticking it here for you to see. God I sound pathetic.
She's basically everything I ever wanted in a person. We have a lot of similar interests. She shares my sense of humor. There's a fuck of a lot of chemistry (okay, I mean I guess we can't tell for sure, but we have done Skype video/voice calling and there are these ~moments~ when she just looks at me and I feel like I can't breathe because of how intense it is).
We're meeting up in March for two weeks. In Canada.
("that's a terrible idea, why would you meet up with a married woman.")
It's not about sex or anything like that (truth is I don't think we'll have sex but IDK, I guess that's something we'll see). It's more about realizing for me that there is somebody that exists and is real who loves me, who I love, who actually matches everything I ever wanted.
The difficult bit is that I don't know what happens after March. We meet up, we realize we can't live without each other and then???
I mean I have a fantasy of us moving in together in Canada somewhere, after she gets the job she wants and leaves her husband, but I don't know.
I don't fucking know anything and sometimes I wonder if this thing is a mistake, but then I think of all the good things she's given me, the feelings, the love, the everything, and I guess I would rather have that (and the risk of hurt that comes with ANY relationship) than not.
IDk.
okay tell me i'm stupid and i'm an asshole and that i'm doing something stupid but isn't love stupid anyway? |