yeah so we talk for the first time in like two weeks and we are basically settled on the idea that we have to focus on being friends.
because she can't be with me even if we want that, and the mature decision is to STOP fooling myself into thinking there will be some magic solution that involves me being her girlfriend and she can stay married to him and everything will be hunky-dory (or the other solution that I don't even say out loud even to my therapist, that maybe one day she'll need me so badly and we'll live together in canada and be happy and together).
so i'm all messy and crying and stupid and i love her so much and i guess part of me thinks the smart thing would be to cut her out completely but i can't do that. i need her friendship SO MUCH because she understands me and she gets me and everything about her screams to me that she's my soulmate.
i don't want to date anybody else if i can't be with her, though. maybe that's stupid but i can't picture myself being as comfortable with anybody as i am with her.
there's this girl at work, IDK if i mentioned her before, but she sometimes acts like she is making a move on me, but she has never done anything outright that would scream "OH YEAH SHE'S INTERESTED". But she invited me to a convention in Maine with her, so I'm going to do that,and we're staying in a hotel together but my little sister (12 years old) will be there so that's good. I don't want anybody to be romantically interested in me because I don't know how to handle that. All my emotional feelings are invested in Ana and I can't just separate them right now.
i'm sure it's something i'll grow past, like, i know this is the right thing for both of us, because she DOES have a marriage she needs to focus on, and she can't put all her attentions on some brat in America who whines too much.
if this is a movie, i would be the bad guy, probably, the whiny demanding girlfriend. and she'd go back to her husband and they would patch things up and it would be okay. or if i was the main character, i'd meet some nice girl who lived here and blah blah.
god this is such a frustrating difficult situation and i'm so angry with myself for letting my delusions get the best of me.
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