here is the truth ok

01/16/2014

I wrote this on tumblr:

"I have been feeling bad since last week. It comes and goes but it is definitely a more long-term feeling. The difficulty for me is that I don’t know where it is coming from. And when I see my therapist on Friday she will ask me why, and I won’t have any answers. I am not pmsing but little things make me over emotional and I struggle with feeling lonely and unimportant. Today I had planned to clean and go for a walk, but all I did was go to town, buy junk food, and eat too much. I’ve already told myself of goals for tomorrow (which include that walk I never did), cleaning, etc. But in the spaces between doing things, I get sad again. And I’m not sure the reason for it."

Now I was going to elaborate but I really don't know how to explain it?

I cried over minor things, like Ana telling me that she bought me some gloves (because I told her I don't wear gloves outside because I don't have any and she's worried about me catching cold or so on) and I started crying because why does she do nice things? (Because she cares about me, jesus).

I cried because my mom cancelled meeting me for dinner. I cried because my sister won't hang out with me. Because I ran out of soda. Because this, that, the other. It's all really stupid things that trigger me.

Thankfully, I see my therapist tomorrow, and I'll be able to talk to her. But I'm dreading the moment where she says "why?" and I don't have an answer. Jesus, I don't know????? And Ana asked me the same and all I can really say is that I feel kind of lonely, and I would just like some big nice hugs.

Today me and Ana watched a movie together (one of my favorites) and that was (is) real nice to do. I mean it's as close to a date as we can get. In two months we get to do it for real together

IDK what else to say. Everything feels kinda lame. I'm gonna go shower even though the day is half over.