im a dumb-butt

04/11/2014

i haven't written in a while and idk. i guess because i don't feel like it.

so when ana got back from visitng her family, she emailed me a really long email that basically was everything we needed to talk about.

like basically, she wants to be with me and her feelings haven't changed, except that they've gotten stronger.
she feels a little guilty about not having kissed me or done anything like that, but she also says that it's for the best because it allows her to feel less guilty in the terms of her marriage.

and i hate that whatever i say is gonna make me sound like a pushover. but i need her in my life and i know she loves me. i know she can't leave her marriage. i don't need her to. what the hell would she do, anyway? we can't live together anyway.

so maybe what we have is less than a relationship, but more of a romantic friendship? it's super intense and i can't explain fucking anything. i just need her more than i ever needed anybody, and she needs me and we need this closeness and if i never kiss her i can be okay with that. i just need hugs when i can get them, and letters and words and videos and i need to hear she loves me.

on monday we talked on skype a lot:

[4/7/2014 8:25:03 AM] aubrey: i missed you last night
[4/7/2014 8:25:18 AM] moose: but I was here last night. I even talked to you
[4/7/2014 8:25:33 AM] aubrey: i know
[4/7/2014 8:26:00 AM] moose: I miss you too, a lot
[4/7/2014 8:26:29 AM] moose: actually it is worse than before because now I know all those faces you make and I know how you look like when you do different things

i mean i remember how it feels holding her hand and how it feels to snuggle up behind her and it all makes me want to cry.

idk i'm just stupid because i'm in love with a married woman and i know she can't ever like be with me for real, not like permanently and she says all the time that she hopes eventually i find somebody else that i can be with (but at the same time tells me that the idea makes her sick. it makes me sick too. who am i going to find that's anywhere close to what she is to me?)

i still refer to her as my girlfriend to pretty much everybody else, and that's kind of what we are, i mean we've acknowledged it's a relationship inasmuch as it can be. idk if it matters anyway, i mean in the long-distance aspect, we'd hardly get to fuck anyways - like once a year. so i have the emotional closeness, i know that she loves me and i love her, and we have each others' backs in the way that counts. if it comes up that there's somebody else i have feelings for, i deal with that when it comes up.

i love my moose and that's what matters.