monday, monday ~

02/05/2014

Oh lord, I don't know what's gotten into me.

So, most of last week, from the Friday before I wrote the last entry until Sunday (the 2nd) I had a pretty bad time of it. Just, stress and anxiety and feelings I couldn't sort out. After the first time that I cut, I didn't do anymore, thankfully. I couldn't really think of any way to relieve my stress and the overwhelming feelings, so a lot of what I did was just distracting myself (with TV or writing or books).

IDK what happened but yesterday (Monday) I woke up with a shitty headache. I went online and talked to Ana for a bit but I really couldn't focus.
Actually, okay, I did tell her about one thing that was stressing me --

There is this girl at work, JB, who I have a hard time reading. At first I thought she just wanted to be friends, because she'll eat lunch with me when we are both there, and she talks to me, and stuff. But on Sunday, she was talking to me a LOT and she kept coming over, and saying things, like jokes and stuff, and we had lunch together and she laughed at like everything I said/did (I mean, okay, I can be funny sometimes but she was laughing a lot, it felt like?) omg, I don't know. And I'm not sure if she's like, trying to flirt with me? Holy shit I have no idea. I know she said she's part of this RU12 thing at her college (which is like an LGBT program/club??? IDK) and she is clearly an ally of the LGBT crowd but IDK if that means automatically that she's gay or bi or into ladies.

And I *don't* want her to be interested in me because it fucking complicates things between me and Ana. (Because Ana says, well I hope you find somebody nearby that can love you like I do -- and I don't want her to tell me to leave her just because somebody else might have interest... and this other girl is definitely no Ana... nobody is Ana).

Anyway, I explained to Ana my confusing and stress about that situation, and she said, well you can't control how other people feel, and don't worry about it, and then We talked more about OUR relationship and I said that right now, today/tomorrow/next month, I need her around with me and I am not looking elsewhere for love. I don't need it from anybody else. IDK.

We seem to have these emotional conversations once a week or so (maybe more like every couple weeks, now -- we're a lot more stable than we used to be when things were starting out), but I think that's due to the format of our relationship --- both of us with MIs that are in the process of being treated, long-distance and unable to talk face to face most of the time, we can't even fucking TOUCH for another 40 days. So there is a lot of sappy talk and trying to tell each other the feelings that we can't express otherwise.

Okay, so we sort of worked that out. My headache didn't get better, and I went to take a nap around 10am. I slept for an hour and a half, felt MUCH more refreshed and then Ana and I talked a little more. She was working on an application for an internship that has been giving her stress, and she finally got it written out and mailed off and that was good ^^

Then I got properly dressed and went to the post office to mail out some letters, and I stopped by the gas station near my house to get a drink and some ice cream (ice cream sandwich, yumyum -- and I had just one, and I didn't *want* anymore after that, which is pretty big bc I've also been kind of overeating, which I do a lot when stressed) and that basically filled up my emotional tank the rest of the way -- the sugar must have helped, I think, and the fresh air. Either way, I came back, felt MUCH better.

Ana and I talked more, just about what's going to happen in Canada, silly things. And we said how it's been a year since we started talking (really talking, on Skype and all) and she said (and I am quoting exactly bc sometimes that girl says things that make me ASDFGHJKL and I have to save it somewheres):

"idk sometimes I realize how awesome you are and how comfortable I'm with you and then I feel how much I love you and also you're sticking around, for a year now, and yeah"

and she tells me she loves me, and she says it like "I love you, kid" and omg i love when she calls me kid, I can't explain it? basically, when she says "I love you" it always seems to be at JUSt the right moment and it hits me right in the heart and I just want to kiss her. Or hug her. Or grab her face. Etc etc.

Anyway, I've written a goddamn novel here, haven't I?
Either way, I went to work at 4pm on Monday and I felt really good, and my 5 hour shift went well -- I didn't stress about things that I normally stress about. I just felt GOOD.

Today I had the liquor delivery to put up, and now I'm at my mother's house for my "weekend" (I get Wednesdays and Thursdays off nearly every week). Tomorrow she will help me buy the bus tickets to Canada, and HOLYFUCK that's the last big step before the trip (other than packing) and i'm ASDFGGHJKL I almost get to HUG MY GIRLFRIEND SO HA.

My littlest sister and I just watched some TV together and then I'm putting her to bed and going to go do some writing ^^