Wanting what I can't have
I suck. I did realize at first but ... You always want something you can't have. Now that Big has a girlfriend I know that he isn't planning how to get me back therefore I'm acting as if I just need him in my life. Though (before my realization) anytime I thought about being his girlfriend again, I got angry. The idea of being back in a position where he could hurt me makes me angry. And ... I know that I don't want him to be my only so ... fuck it.
In the meantime, Cal came over last night. Things with him may be getting out of control or ... Well most likely I'm blowing this out of proportion. We'll see. Anyway, I made a comment to him about him ignoring me because I had sent him a text one day that he never replied to. He decided to explain himself to me. WHY? Then, when he got here ... he seemed down. So I asked him what was wrong, he said nothing. I asked him was he tired, he said no ... so why are you being weird? Then he like, kind of tried to hold my hand.
shake it off
The thing is, ideally he and I would be great together. We both like our independence. We want to do our own thing and we want to be successful in life and earn the things that we own and then when we've achieved that great goal, we want to sit back and enjoy it and enjoy it with someone that we love but we both know that we are young and that life has so much to offer so there is no reason to rush and find the one. But I know he is an asshole and I know that he is a cheater and I think that the fact that I slept with both of his brothers and some cousins turns him off ... clearly not cause ... well I know what I mean.
The thing about Cal still is that we have terrific sex. Last night I believe I may have had one of the most intense orgasms of my life. I just ... I want to call him and tell him to come over right now so I can have another one but I'll tell you what, he didn't do much to get me there. I pretty much did all the work like usual with him. But it's dirty and raunchy and I love it!!
Todd called me today. He asked me to marry him. Point blank I told him no. He said he wanted to marry me so that we could finally have sex. Todd and I would never work. We can barely get through a telephone call with out arguing because he swears that he knows me so well. But you don't know shit about me! And it infuriates me. Ugh! I still can't shake the anger that I have towards him. Though it's a recurring thing I reckon. Anyone that's tried to tell me about myself has made me angry ... even those that really, truly care about my well being.
I'm watching Titanic. I am a sucker for love stories with a tragic ending.
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