#6 - Ran away from home

I never really thought I would be where I am right now. I kind of hate it. Well kind of is a total understatement. I really hate it. This is not the kind of person that I am. I don't sit in the dark and cry over people that want nothing to do with me.

OF COURSE THIS IS NOT THE ONLY REASON I CRY

I cry because I am sad. I am very sad. I will be ok though because I always am.

I talked to Big today. I told him that I was sorry for the way I acted yesterday. I mean ... I was pissed but ... I left Big. I told him that was over. He's right. I had two opportunities to be with him after I left him and rather than getting back together with him, I took him for granted the way that he took me for granted. You can't have your cake and eat it too no matter how hard you try. I know this now.

He told me that he didn't know that she had been texting me. He told me that he didn't know she was his girlfriend. I don't know if I can believe him.

When he called me there was no background noise. When I told him that she had been texting me, suddenly I heard her. This leads me to want to believe him. I mean, I can see him now. He realizes that she's gone behind his back and does something like makes a facial expression saying "why the fuck did you do that" and then she starts running her mouth because she wants me to be the bad guy ... Still, I don't know if I can believe him.

I was angry. I told him how angry I was. I told him that he had no idea what that felt like. Even though I never did the same thing to him, I still hurt him. I still did things to him that hurt him ... like sleeping with CJ. I know I was wrong ... I also know this is wrong:

I am not sorry I did it, I am sorry that I got caught.

The point is, I hurt Big differently than he hurt me but the pain is all the same and for that ... for that I feel terrible and that is the reason that I forgive him for his most recent action. I didn't forgive him until I ran away.

Regardless of what others say -- and they say a lot -- I enjoy Big. I want Big in my life. I want him to be my friend. I have to accept that I will no longer come first in his life. I have to accept that I will no longer be the only girl that he loves. I have to accept that there is someone else and that I must play my position.

Now that I have this under control, I can breath a little easier. I'm still hurting and I am still sad and I am still weak in my soul but I know that with baby steps and the proper help I can make it through. I'm going to use my feelings book again. That really helped me. I also start therapy on August 16th. They can't give me any medication but that's ok. Medication really is just a temporary fix for me. It's something to get me going again. I'd rather learn how to do it on my own so that the rest of my life can go a little more smoothly.