#8 - Which is why

This is going to end in tragedy. I love Big but I cannot be with him again. Look at him now. He has a new girlfriend but doesn't hesitate to make a plan with me, stay with me, give me money ... He's doing to her all the things that he did to me and sadly I don't care. Shameful.

I don't understand it. I get angry with him because he is with her. Why? I'm not going to stop what I'm doing for him so why should he stop for me. If I get in my feelings then so be it because I am not going to change my life and my habits for him. And that is just the problem. We both want to have our cake and eat it to and one of us is going to end up with another broken heart because it is inevitable. Yet I cannot stay away.

RB came over last night. Unbelievable. He is just too freaking much. I can't stand him most of the time but then he comes around and he is so cute and so adorable and I just can't freaking stand it. I want to be mad with him because let's face it, he is halfway trying to play me out. Well, maybe he's not. I still can't figure him out and so I try to distance myself from him and I was doing so good! Usually he will text me and say he wants to come over but there is always something that stops him. Finally, last night ... well this morning really, he comes over. We played and then we went to sleep. He woke me up this morning to tell me that he was leaving, I walked him out, haven't heard from him since and I don't really care that much. Why can't I treat Big with the same regard that I treat RB?

Meanwhile, Singer and I have been texting tonight. He asks me when I'm free. I told him, he made a little comment about me being ready and then said it was a date. I, like a little school girl, smiled from ear to ear prior to setting the phone down. How would I respond to that without showing him my giddy excitement for our date which is a playdate but still to hear him say date just makes me smile.

I have to be careful with Big. Right now my heart is telling me that I want to try again with him. At the same time my brain is telling me that it is a super terrible idea. Then I think about RB and Singer and Cal and I wonder ... would I really be able to say no to them if I was with Big. Probably yea but is it something that I want to do? And aren't I supposed to live my life for me. So who the fuck cares. If that makes me a slut then so be it because the bottom line is this. I am lonely right now, sure. Big was here the night before last and RB was here last night so compared, I am alone. And yes, I want to turn to someone and kiss him goodnight and then snuggle my body into is but I also don't want to deal with the bullshit or the drama that comes with all of that. Which is why Mike scares me.

Mike was being super cute on Saturday night. Saying things that should only be believable to a five year old child, not a grown ass woman. But then he sends a picture of us at senior prom. Mind you, I had sent him the picture months earlier. He saved it to his phone and then sent it to me Saturday night. Then he blows me off today. Fuckface. Whatever. I don't know. Hopefully he will continue to blow me off because if he was serious then this could be a disaster. If he or I started to catch feelings, we would end up hurt ... and not just him and I and that could be bad. And that scares me. Which is why I am trying to branch out.

I asked Nate if he wanted to go get ice cream with me. He said idk and then he said he didn't feel like going anywhere. Ok. I understand. Stop fucking texting me like you want to know me if when I try to get to know you, you blow me off. I don't handle rejection well and I don't like it so what the fuck.