“This job is too much for me. How can I take care of all these people by
myself? If this is the way you’re going
to treat me, just kill me now and end my miserable life!” (Num 11, CEV)
If you’ve read my past diary entries here, it is no news
that I as a servant of God am not afraid of death. There were points in time where I felt like
saying, “God, please take me away from this life. It would be better if I die.
“Now, Lord, take away my life, for it is better for me to
die than to live.” (Jonah 4:3)
As I was re-reading Numbers 11 and Jonah 4, I realized that
Moses and Jonah at one point felt the same way as me. When I read these chapters many years ago
when I was much younger, I didn’t really pay much attention to this because I
had no experience of it. Now that I
have, as a servant, chosen the less traveled path, I have gotten to a point in
my life where I feel the same way. I
wouldn’t mind, God, if you take me away.
Recently, a relative of mine made me a kind offer which
would benefit both of us. She has money
sitting in accounts not earning her much interest or dividends. I have student loans not yet paid off. So, she offered to have my loan transferred over
to her where I would pay her a lower interest rate than I am paying. Yet, it’s a higher percentage rate than what
she gets from her accounts. That way, it
is a win-win for both of us. (She earns more and I pay less interest.)
I am hesitating to take her up on this offer because I have
been saying to God from time to time, “It would be better if you take my life
away and take me back to you.” So, what
if it does happen and I die. Then my
relative is screwed not able to collect all that money from me.
If my life ends, it is better for me to keep the student
loans as student loans with the government because student loans are forgiven upon the borrower’s
death.
However, what if I do live. (The servants in the Bible who felt the same way as me lived many more
years after they asked God to take away their life. They lived a pretty long life.) Then it would be better if I take that offer
for the mutual benefit of both my relative and me.
I will have to think about this some more, but after writing this entry, it seems clearer to me and I am leaning toward taking that offer.
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