i feel like nothing but a joke. :/ the last argument matthew and i got into, he was mocking what i had written to him telling him how i feel. for some reason i express myself better with written words versus spoken words. and he was mocking what i wrote. it made me feel worthless, like i was nothing but a joke and a piece of ass to him. i still kinda feel that way and this happened earlier this week. it is so depressing thinking that the man i love thinks very little of me. he's been kinda nice since then, claiming he still loves me, but honestly idk anymore....i am wondering why we are even still in this relationship. if he really thinks that way, why is he still here? he says he loves me, but he doesn't show it as much as he used to. i don't know what to think anymore. there are so many things that have been going wrong lately, and this is one of them. every minute of every day since he told me he was going to leave me, i have wanted to pick up a bottle of black velvet or southern comfort and drink til i can't drink anymore and then drink some more. i don't want to think about anything or feel anything. i want to be numb. at least for a little while. i feel so much pain on a daily basis, it's almost constant. i don't want to hurt anymore. i don't know how much more i can handle anyway until i really do snap. feeling like a worthless pos is only amplified by the fact that my hands would barely work for me yesterday. i couldn't even open a friggin 20oz mountain dew. i had to have someone else do it for me.  plus i could not hear out of my right ear at all. all day.it seems like since all that happened with hubby a couple weeks ago, my earing and coordination have gone to shit. plus my appetite is gone. i have no desire whatsoever to eat anything. most food makes me sick anyways, so why suffer more than i already am? i guess a good thing about not eating would be the weight coming off. it'll make the belly ring look better i guess. everything is so damn depressing anymore i find myself wondering why am i even here? what purpose do i serve? who would miss me if i were gone.......i can honestly say i can count all the people who would truly miss me on one hand. everyone else in my life only want me when they need something from me. ..................
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on a good note i am getting better at my sign language basics and reading lips. although, i don't know what i would do without music. kinda too poor to afford hearing aids right now. but i still have some good days so that's not all bad. |
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