so my fourth was a day with a lot left to be desired. we went down to see fireworks, but it wasn't a good night. everyone spent most of the night fighting with each other, and when they weren't, we were drinking. i had a rum and pepsi, and a screwdriver. that's it. wasn't even that buzzed, so alcohol played no part in the following events. well matthew and i talked day before yesterday (kinda) after i went out to him for the third time, this time crying openly, and hugged him and rambled on about how i can't do this anymore and i can't keep fighting him like this, and the shit i've been saying for weeks. he seemed like he got it. like it registered. i sAy it seemed, because last night, he acted as if nothing ever happened the night before. nothing changed. not for the better anyway. we were arguing the last ten minutes we were there. i wanted to stay out a little longer with the family, he wanted to go back to the motel. neither of us wanted to give a little on the subject. well, after more drama from half the rest of teh family, we finally made it home (i am using home in reference to the motel room we are currently staying at until our actual new home is ready for us). well you think it would have stopped there. nope! i finished the clothes i started before we left, and wanted so badly just to lay down and go to sleep. guess that wasn't happening either. he wanted to go for a walk. i didn't wanna go, but i knew he did, so we left. took the dog with us and walked her around the perimeter of the building. tried to. i knew he was upset with the shit his mom was saying, and i forgave his attitude because of it. but while we were walking a woman with two small children got out of a van and went up to their room, and i asked him not to say the f word so much to respect the children's ears. well it set him off. idk why but it did. and once that door was opened, it wouldn't be shut again. he just started spewing off at the mouth things that he knew would hurt me. apparently it is okay for him to get heated in a conversation and start getting an attitude with me, but it's not okay for me to do it (we got in a fight for the same damn thing the day before yesterday, cuz i got heated and started getting an attitude, and he started fighting with me because of it. double standards, amiright?). we kept walking after he kept saying some messed up shit. i was trying to say something over him cuz he wouldn't stop enough for me to speak, and i wouldn't stop when he told me shut up, so he grabbed my arms. hard. and he started shaking me. i couldn't push him away from his ribs, and his legs i knew i couldn't do anything with, so i tried to push him away by the throat. he was kinda starting to hurt me. but he scared me more than anything. i grew up with that shit, i don't wanna live through it again. but that's exactly what happened last night. soon as i did that, he seriously flipped shit. telling me "it's over" and "i'm done with you, fucking bitch" and shit like that. and then he picked up sahara, said "here take your fucking dog too" and threw her, by the leash, to me. a good six foot at least. kept repeating how i need to go back to fucking ohio and he's done with me and how i am a fucking bitch. well, i know i'm a bitch and all, that ain't no news to me. but don't you ever put your hands on me like that again. all he had to do was let me go. that's it. but the night didn't end there. that was just the start of it. after that, i started to walk away from the motel, when he comes back from wherever he went, still talking shit and bumpin his gums. talking about how if i ever fucking touch him like that again he will divorce me and shit. let him. i don't wanna be with someone who thinks it is okay to grab me like that anyway. i mean, i do because i love him and all, but if it happens again i will most likely remove myself from the situation any way possible. ANY way possible. i grew up with that shit, i can't live through it again. i'm still psychotic according to him, and frankly i don't care. i deserve better. well other things were said, and i was walking around the parking lot, and he followed me. i just wanted to cool off, regain my level head and start thinking calmly again. nope. couldn't do that either. i tried to put my headphones in and listen to some music to calm me down, and he straight up ripped the damn things out of my head. mind you, i have earbuds. i hate headphones. well i accidentally grabbed his chest as i was snatching for my head phones, and he knocked my phone out of my hand onto the ground, and was gonna smash it. i put my foot next to it to stop that, cuz he was gonna use the heel of the steel toe boots he was wearing (that i just bought him) and i had pics i didn't wanna lose(doesn't make much difference though i lost them anyway and all my music). he stomped on my foot, and when i said something about it, he said,"well ya shouldn't have had your foot there". like wtf dude seriously????i kept walking back and forth, just listening to him prattle on about how much of a horrible person i really am. apparently his mom is "this close" to sending my ass back to ohio, because i don't wanna listen to anybody. i say, let her. he didn't seem like he was disagreeing with the idea, actually it seemed to appeal to him quite well last night. as it always does when we argue. i'm beginning to think that he wants me gone. and they all hate me. i don't belong anywhere. my family doesn't have any further use for me, his family doesn't want me anymore, he doesn't want me anymore, i have nowhere else to go. except maybe to go to milton. my dads family is there, maybe they will take me in. maybe if i go for a walk and just don't come home. it'll save her the trouble and the money of sending me back herself. after he stomped on my foot, i tried to walk away again, and again he grabbed me. this time it was a bear hug. he wouldn't let me go, no matter how much i fought against him or said let me go, and i said it at least fifteen times. he finally put me on the ground and pinned me there, and i kept repeating "let me go let me go" over and over. eventually he got sick of it and let me go, but he pushed me back onto the grass and i rolled over myself. he sat there, on the ground, crying saying the same shit i said to him not 24 hours prior. honestly, i had no sympathy for him then. he knows now what he has put me through the past few weeks. no, i wasn't seeking revenge. i'm not that much of a bitch. but maybe it will open his eyes and he will finally understand. after that, we kept arguing. he kept saying shit like i want her to send me back because i want this relationship to be over, but i don't have the balls to do it myself, and shit like that. i love him to death. i don't want it to be over, but i can't live like my mother. i can't do that again. i can't. but it's okay. i'll ask his mom today why she hates me so much, and get to the bottom of at least one of our issues. i'll apologize for whatever i have been doing wrong, and i will try and change it, because that's the kind of person i am. i'm not a bad person like he thinks i am. i'm really not. i've just been hurt too many times to still be so naive. i'm not stupid anymore, and sometimes being smart smarts a bit. i just can't take this anymore...... |
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