APD

02/17/2017

OK so I went to an audiologist yesterday to check my ears. I've been having issues hearing and understanding people and sounds, so my Dr sent me over. Hearing test came back normal. Kinda figured it would, since I have good days and bad days, and yesterday was a good day. The audiologist explained to me that with everything I told to her, she thinks I have something called Auditory Processing Disorder (APD). It's where I can hear stuff but my brain doesn't process it correctly, and I don't understand a lot of verbal things. Which makes sense because that's pretty much what I go through. APD affects not only listening, but speech, writing, reading and spelling also. Basically anything to do with words or sounds. I get frustrated a lot because I can't form complete sentences while I'm speaking, or my thoughts are all jumbled most days, and I can't straighten out the mess in my head. Music is a blessing for me. I'm not sure if this is caused by the other crap I have in my head or not, but I think they definitely go hand in hand. All I can think of is my ex telling me I just need to let this shit kill me off already and do everyone a favor. If he only knew... I'm trying so hard not to let that bother me, but it does. I made the mistake of contacting him to get a proper address to send current divorce papers, and it was like a dam was opened....Shit hit the fan and insults were thrown back and forth. At one point he started bashing my dead father, and it set me off.. you can say what you want about me but don't you dare talk about my daddy. He's been dead since 93, but he is still more of a man than most boys now days. If ex got wind of this APD shit, he would throw a party, cuz it's just one more fucked up thing to throw in the punch bowl of problems that are psychotic little me. I haven't seen him in over two years and he is using my disease I was born with against me still. I didn't ask for this shit. I didn't wanna have to live with the knowledge that I'll probably be a deaf mute who can't feed herself by the time I die, and that could very well be within the next 30 years...And now I find out that my brain is misfiring and I cannot understand simple things...I mean I'm glad there's an answer, even if it is a not so good one, but still. It's a lot to take in. I didn't realize the extent of this whole fiasco. I just wanna curl up in a ball and cry for the next two days. And I don't wanna tell my honey because I don't want him to feel sorry for me. I hate pity. That shit pisses me off. And, after my last....Attempt at a relationship, opening up to people isn't so easy for me anymore. I went from the lava into the frying pan, until I finally made it home and landed into a pot of boiling water.