so i fucking feel like shit. figures. every single time he and i argue i always end up in fucking tears, like i am right now. he woke up in a bad mood for some unknown reason, and had an attitude towards me. he's been pissy the last two days and i don't fucking know why. after everything else that he said today, he tried to say that we were both wrong about the date of our anniversary, when i know for a fact that i kept telling people it was jan.9. he was a month off. so i took out our marriage license and read the date to him, and just as i was he hit the damn thing out of my hands and it flew across the room, so i backhanded his bicep. i fucking hit him. granted, he had no right to say or do the shit he did, but what right did i have to react that way and fucking HIT him?? i should have never raised my hand to him whatsoever, let alone made contact. i try every fucking day to control the part of me that wants to hit shit and destroy everything, and on days like this, it's extremely difficult. the past few days have been hell for me. night before last he hit my cat for something she didn't do wrong, and that was AFTER i came home from work to his attitude. that was was argument that started it all. yesterday before work, we argued some more about him hitting my cat as hard as he did for no good reason, and then again all throughout work we were bickering about how he wouldn't admit what he did was wrong. his whole reason for it is because she wouldn't come to him when she was called, and he had to chase her around the basement. 1) i let her down there all the damn time. her and noob both are allowed in the basement. there is no door on the basement steps so keeping them out of it would be futile. 2) SHES A FUCKING CAT. shes not trained like a dog to come when her name is called. she knows her name, yes. but she doesn't yet come to it. 3) shes only 8months old. its taking me a little longer than it would with a dog to get her to come to her name because SHES A CAT and i have never really had to personally train a cat before. so far what i am doing is kinda working, but i really don't know of any other methods to use on her. well, he won't admit he is wrong. so we kept arguing about it. and this morning was..........there are no words to describe what just happened. i feel like shit, and i can understand why, but he really has no fucking right to have n attitude just waking up. he hadn't even been outta bed for two minutes before his ass started. and it ended with him telling me that essentially i am always wrong and i need to start admitting it. oh and he tried to throw my beliefs in my face, telling me i don't follow the Bible i so highly regard. i'm sorry i would like something to cling to when my world crumbles around me. i obviously can't trust any single person on the face of this planet, so i turn to someone i know won't let me down. He knows everything about me, even the parts of me i try to hide from everyone else, and He still loves me regardless. he won't say "fuck you" or hurt me like everyone else. excuse me while i cling to that with my life. i try. my hardest. not to let my past control me. i really do, i try so hard. i have given up so much of the control i used to keep over my life because it made him happy. well no more. i'm done fucking changing for people. i tried apologizing for everything and all i got in return was "grow up". my exact words, actually were "i'm sorry i apparently treat you like shit and can't do anything for you. i'm sorry for never being good enough for you. i'm sorry for every fucking thing that i have ever done. i'm sorry i'm even alive right now. at least if i wasn't here you wouldn't have the issues you fucking do. namely me." he told me to grow up, and that i didn't mean it, and basically that i was trying to guilt trip him and it wasn't gonna work. i'm sorry i can't be a good fucking wife. |
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