when will i wake up from this nightmare called life?? things are going so wrong now and it's depressing and disheartening. wish i could catch a break already. my parternal grandmother, we call her memaw all the family does, has issues that have recently been brought to my attention. she is borderline diabetic again, and her kidneys keep trying to shut down. mind you, this woman is in her 80s, but i haven't seen her in over ten years. i miss her. a lot. i wanna see her at least once more before she dies, and i wanna introduce matthew to everybody there. if her kidneys fail, idk if i will be able to take him up there before she dies. god willing she lives until i get a car, i think she would really like him. i've always written to her. idk what i'd do if i couldn't anymore......i love her to death. she raised the man i am proud to call my father, and we have always had a connection because of that. idk it is just really hard to swallow right now......
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hubby got arrested the 26th. he picked up a phone off the ground on his way back from the dollar store to bring me lunch, and he showed it to mom and i at work. we told him not to use it, we did. well not ten minutes after he left here, the cops picked him up and arrested him. from what he was saying, he didn't have the damn thing more than 30 mins before they were on him. he spent the night in jail, where they took his birthday gift, a zippo with the american flag on it, and he stayed there. it was hard coming up with the $150 out of $400 to get him out, cuz mom and i are pretty much both broke now, and his bond was $4000. for $300 max phone. so i have to find a way to pay the rest of the $4000 without accruing too much interest, AND on top of that have to pull $1500 outta my ass for a lawyer. on top of bills and the dog and the car and license thing, and paying people back what i owe them, and making sure we have at least a little bit of food on top of everything else, and also dealing with attitudes from people who make more than me because they expect me to be able to do as much as them. i can't do it. i make almost half of what they do, yet i still have to pay half the bills. i won'thave that much left over after everything gets taken out, plus i have dental and vision insurance starting to come out of my checks, because i have to start getting my teeth taken care of. sonsabitches ain't doing nothin but giving me problems. i have been in pain for the better part of the last two weeks, and my molars are shifting, which causes my other teeth to shift and it hurts. a lot. i don't have small teeth. they are large, and very sharp, and when they move it hurts and i cut my tongue all the time in my sleep. plus my body hurts, we still have no bed. i can't afford that now on top of everything else. we can't get our stuff outta storage, because they go when i'm at work and they won't take matthew so they only get their stuff. i feel like they are getting all their stuff out so all that's left in there is ours, and then stick us with the bill. f**k that shit. i have asked to go many times, but they go on sundays, i work 9-5 on sundays.  the bad attitudes are getting to be too much for me. i cant handle it all. i feel like we are unwanted here. like they are trying to say half the shit that happens is our fault, when we can't control any of it. cannot wait to get our own place.
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on the bright side though, hubby and i don't fight as much anymore. actually i don't think we have had a single fight since the 20th. wow. new record. no, we aren't tiptoeing around each other, but we don't bicker like we used to. it's nice. at least i know i have one person here on my side.......
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