i feel like my title today. matthew, my fiance, is talking to his mom like he does every day. i don't mind it a whole lot usually, but it kinda makes me miss my mom. a lot. i used to be able to talk to her like matthew talks to his. to be close like they are. *sigh* i mean, he's there for his mom right now because after she moved to florida to be with the man she loves, he leaves her this past week. they've only been down there 2.5 months. i can understand why he wants to talk to her, to be there for her. but it kinda makes me sad. and i am not gonna tell him he can't talk to his mom cuz i can't talk to mine. that would not be right. that's not something a fiance would do. those are not the actions of someone who loves you. it's not his fault my mother doesn't talk to me, so i will not make him pay for it. it just...idk i guess i just miss the days before i knew what was going on when my mom and i were almost inseparable. the days before i realized she'd chosen an abusive unstable relationship over the pure deep love of her oldest daughter. i know it seems like i'm being kinda babyish, but i cant help it. i'm a very emotional creature. like right now, i wanna cry. about ten minutes ago i was pissed. last night i felt nothing but love and desire for matthew. it can be very exhausting sometimes being this way. like right now, i just wanna shut down. i don't even wanna go to work tonite but i know i gotta. responsibilities come first. i'm not looking forward to it one bit. eh, at least i've got a good job i guess. 8.50 an hour and on average 35 hours a week is as close to full time as i will get. plus 95%of the time i actually like my job. hmmm......*sigh*........i don't usually complain all the time, i swear. there's just a lot going on right now. i swear i will post something good soon. i just get depressed real easy. i think i need a bicycle. if i can ride out my frustrations and emotions, i should be alright. but it's gonna start snowing soon. ugh...i thinkk i'll just work myself sore with crunches then. i gotta tone up my tummy anyways.
on a good note i guess we were alone last night. finally. (there's a whole backstory about me living with my grandma, but i will tell it a different time). last night was...wow. can't wait to find our own place so we can do that every night. omg.....i'd tried a different technique last night when i gave him a bj and i can definitely say it paid off. o.m.g,.......i think i might do that more often lol. okay...im gonna end it here before i go into too much more detail. >.< lol.
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