so i just told my fiance something i have been thinking for quite some time, and something that was confirmed this past saturday. i've known for a while that it's gonna be hard for me to get pregnant and to keep the baby (when we do finally start having kids), and that there is a very good chance that it will be a boy. and i will lose him. the past three generations of women in my family at least have all miscarried at least one child. my mother miscarried a total of four before me. and even then my sister is seriously screwed up health wise and i have many problems myself. so IF i can get pregnant and by some miracle have a child, there is a good chance it will have problems. i mean, i should have an uncle, another cousin, a big brother, two big twin sisters and another big sister. at least. and i told him all this. and tried to tell him my fears about not being able to bear healthy children. he made light of the whole thing. i understand sometimes he likes to joke around a bit just to relieve some tension, but some things you just can't joke about and consider it appropriate. this being one of those times. if you're not a woman, you won't understand. i feel like right now that if i can't give him children, i can't be the full woman i so desperately need to be. it scares me that there is a possibility of that on top of the whole idea that i'm 22and i think i might need to go get a mammogram. this sucks. i just wish sometimes he would understand where i was coming from, ya know? i mean, he doesn't seem to understand me on this point. i'm looking at three generations worth of proof (four women that i know or knew and all in my immediate family), and i refuse to set my hopes so high that if my suspicions are confirmed i will not be as devastated. he just doesn't seem to understnad that. if i can't have kids i will be devastated. sure, i like being independent and having my own job and being able to say that i could support myself, but what i really want is to be able to have a family. he doesn't understand how much this is bothering me. it scares me that i might not be able to have children. i just.....idk........i wanna cry right now so bad, but i don't want him to walk upstairs to where the computer is at and have him catch me crying over this. he already thinks i'm overreacting because 'just because it happened to them doesn't mean it'll happen to you'. i feel so stupid for trying to talk to him about this. he doesn't support me at all right now. he thinks i'm blowing it all outta proportion. because i'm considering all possibilities and preparing for the worst case scenario? why can't you at least talk me through this? i really needed you tonite and what did you do? you practically blew me off with joking. or at least that's what it felt like. i don't know who else to turn to. can't talk to my best friend cuz she's two states away, my other friend and i have kinda fallen apart a bit, i refuse to talk to any of my family about this because they will manipulate me and try to use this as a wedge to get between my fiance and i, so i turned to him. and he basically shut me down. doesn't he realize that i need to talk through this kinda stuff or it's gonna eat me alive inside? i wanna curl up in my bed with Mocha, my new guinea pig, and never leave my blankets. i feel that low right now. i just wanna curl up and cry. alone. in the dark. and sleep for a nice long while. maybe hibernate for the winter. |
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