so i get off work,hubby and his mom are there to pick me up. i am kinda happy to see him. i am, but i'm afraid also, from what transpired yesterday. i am afraid if i say something else wrong, that it will set him off and we will do it all over again. i love this man with all my heart and soul, but i am afraid that i cannot do a damn thing right by him, that i can't satisfy him anymore. i called shotgun, and he started giving me hell over it, saying he wanted it. i shot back with how he had it on the way up to work and it is my turn for frontseat on the way home. well we went back and forth like that for a while, until the subject changed. (we were still at work at this time) we were all talking to the one employee there, and everytime he turned to talk to me, it was something else to mess with me on. his mom kept commenting on how all we do anymore is fight all the time, and every time she does that, it really hits home. i grew up in a house where everyone always argued and i swore to myself i would never be in that kind of relationship. it hurts. a lot. i try to avoid conflict, but i am damned if i do, and damned if i don't. today after we got home, he wanted to go swimming in the pool. so he and i went up to the motel pool to swim. we were there MAYBE five minutes. he wanted to be all lovable to me, and i didn't want it. i didn't wanna be touched. i felt like if he touched me i would break down right there and just start bawlin. hell, i still feel like that now, but i can't cry. i can't cry in front of them anymore. it's embarrassing, and i can't deal with the humiliation and the questions. after yesterday, i can't deal with anything anymore. but he asked me what my problem was, and i told him how i felt about what he was doing today, and he freaking lost it. just started saying some really messed up shit, and making me feel even worse about myself than i already do, and i just can't take it anymore. he told me "you keep your shit up, i'll get out and walk right back to the f*****g room", so i responded with "don't worry, you don't have to. i'll do it for you". well he didn't like that very much and kept running his mouth, saying i'm good for nothing but pissing him off and running away, how i always talk shit, and all this good stuff. i turned around to tell him i was truly sorry, and he (still in the water) flipped me off with both hands and started punching the water. yes, actual punching. like he wished it was me........i turned around and tried to walk away, to get away from the situation, him still running his mouth in the background, and i tried so hard not to cry on the way back to our room. well, i got to the room, him right behind me, and he stormed through the room into the bathroom to change. he didn't say a word til his mom and little brother left the room. then he went at it again. running his mouth about how i can't ever learn to let go of a day to day problem, i need to get over myself, i'm no good for anything but talking shit, and how i got what i wanted with us fighting again, and all this messed up kinda shit, until his mother and brother walked back in and he shut up. that was almost fifteen minutes ago, and he still won't look at me or even acknowledge me or breathe in my direction, and now it seems like his mom and brother are feeling the same way he does.........less than an hour ago it was COMPLETELY FLIPPED. she was at least associating with me, and he was talking to me, albeit disrespectfully, "playfully", but now? now i feel like an outsider. again. it just proves my point that i don't fucking beling here. i'm sorry i am in pain still from what was said yesterday. i don't cry for just anyone and he had me in tears for damn near three hours. i couldn't stop crying. i gave myself a headache, and my lungs had been hurting for at least a half hour before i stopped enough to be able to try and catch my breath. yet, he expect me to be okay today after being completely shattered yesterday. hell, i can't even find all the pieces today and you want me to be whole again? it ain't gonna happen. i've begged and pleaded for him to try and understand me, how emotional i can get, but we always fight. either he doesn't understand or doesn't care what he does to me. does he enjoy breaking me down like this? does he enjoy seeing me in pain? does he enjoy causing the most devastating feeling i have ever felt in the whole world?it really does seem like he hates me now....i've tried to be the best i could for him, give him all i could, all i had. i guess it wasn't good enough...big surprise i never am good enough. for anyone. and now he has turned the rest of them against me without even saying a word. and he wonders why the hell i have scars on my arm to begin with............. |
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