i just cant do this anymore. i cannot pretend to be happy, that everything is ok with me, and expect every one else to be ok with it. i need to show my true feelings and if that causes friction so be it. no one can be happy all the fuucking time. all i wanna do right now is curl up and cry. i dont wanna be around anyone yet at the same time all i want is my husband. im confused, and frustrated, and feel like i am losing my hold on reality. ive been really stressin lately and i keep getting these really bad vibes and i pretend none of it bothers me but i cant help it. ive slept alone 6 our of the last seven nights because my husband would rather play his damned game than sleep next to me, and then turn around and sleep all fucking day. and then he has the audacity to get pissy with me because i have an attitude because i feel i should not have to sleep alone. i keep trying to tell myself that i have a good marriage, that at least he doesn't abuse me like my mother went through or cheat on me or anything like that, but it seems like he doesn't want to spend any time with me whatsoever either, which hurts almost as bad. i did not get married to sleep alone most nights. i did not get married to be sexually and otherwise frustrated over every single fucking thing. i did not get married to pretend like i was happy. i did not get married to fucking cry myself to sleep almost every night. i feel so alone in a crowd full of people. like everyone is watching me but no one really sees me. everyone hears me when i call out to someone, anyone, but no one really liistens. i feel so alone. i have no parent to turn to for advice, my friends are all preoccupied with their own issues, and half of them wouldnt understand anyways. i cannot do this anymore. as if the stress of everything else wasnt bad enough i now have to financially support my husband because he is between fucking jobs AGAIN. its a wonder i havent had a heart attack already from all this or even a mental breakdown. which i can still feel coming. dont know how soon but i know it is close. too much more pushing and i am gonna snap. i can feel myself getting more violent, more hostile towards people, and i dont like it. but i dont know how to control it or stop it once it gets to a certain point. sometimes i wish my husband could read this but i know it will only cause a fight between us. he just doesnt understand me and why the "little shit" bothers me so much. maybe because its the little shit that makes the big shit worthwhile. its the little ones that make the big ones seem so big. i miss sleeping next to him. hearing and feeling his heartbeat under my fingers. it calmed me. like a balm for the soul. now i feel like hes already at basic, like hes already been shipped off to the army. i might interact with him maybe two hours a night after i get off work. and he thinks thhis is enough. its not. not even close. i dont wanna monopolize all his time but i would like to be worth more than just a few minutes. .I CANT DO THIS ANYMORE............... |
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