ok. sorry it's taken so long to do this, but here is an update, for those of you who care enough to read my useless ramblings. we have recently moved on Memorial day down to the sunshine state. that's right, we are now living in Florida. woohoo.......it hits 80+temps before 10am. it's better than where we were. ohio was hell. but then again, i'm still going through hell. my grandma still believes that my husband stole her money out of her underwear drawer. she is still questioning his loyalty to her. whatever. I am done wasting my time on people who don't even want to try. Theresa is still up to her old games, still playing people and using them. my little brother still refuses to talk to me or even breathe in my direction, and has officially deleted my number from his phone, and in essence deleted me from his life. it hurts every time I think about it, and all I can do is hope he comes around again. if not, oh well. I am dealing. my sister is doing well and my niece is getting so big!! I can't believe it. she is looking more like her momma every day. my cousin just had a baby too, and he is cute. seems like everyone nowadays is having a kid and i'm over here like lol nope!. hubby and I have been arguing a lot lately. yesterday especially. I feel like he doesn't want me around anymore because of the way he speaks to me and how he reacts to me. it's like he was glad I was gone for x amount of time, and can't wait for me to leave again. it hurts a lot. he called me so many things yesterday, and he kept on saying stuff he knew would hurt me. like, I got pissed yesterday cuz I asked him to stop messing with me because I wasn't feelin it, and he kept on, and when I finally said something about it again, he went off. he blew up and we argued. said I needed to grow the f*** up. last night he said I was being a whiny-ass bitch, and I needed to get over whatever the f*** was making me cry. That I needed to fix this depression I have been in for awhile, or he would have a nervous breakdown. HE would have a nervous breakdown. nevermind about me and what hell I am going through, obviously my tears mean nothing. I was fine. just bawling my damn eyes out. he wants me to open up, to talk to him, but I cannot open up to people who hurt me, and in the last week, he has hurt me so much. I can't bring myself to talk to him now. how can I? he promised me he would never hurt me like this, that he'd never treat me like they do. and yet he does, every day. I can't leave him. I can only hope he changes for the better. it seems like lately, he only does something or takes heed to something when his momma says it. he doesn't listen to anything I say. it's only taken into consideration or believed when mommy says it. you know, I called him by his brother's name (he is acting just like him and how he was when he was here) and he flew off the freaking handle. but yet, this morning his mom did the same thing, and he blew it off as a joke. I don't understand. I really don't. and it hurts me to see this. I have borne witness to many things like this, and each one rips a new little chunk outta my heart. yet, when I try to explain this to him, he gets mad, and it causes an argument. I have gotten to the point now where I don't even wanna be around anybody. I just wanna curl up in a ball and stay there forever. no interaction with anyone ever again. at least that way I know my heart will stay safe. last night, when we were arguing, he said something, and I responded with "maybe if i'm not here anymore, I won't cause you so many problems". he then responded with "if you are gonna talk about something, either do it or shut the f*** up about it. I don't want to hear idle threats". I guess he thought I was talking about leaving and going back to ohio. that's not even close to what I was gonna do, but ok whatever. I see where I stand. I understand now where I stand in his life. what use I have with him. absolutely none. except I give good head I guess idk. that's probably the ONLY good thing I have going for me with him. God knows he doesn't want the rest of my body and mind. idk what he is afraid of or what he has against me, but he doesn't do anything he doesn't want to do. I mean, i'm not that much of a sexual deviant. I don't wanna go out and have sex with a dozen plus guys. I really don't. I am so not into gangbangs. i'm not asking him to physically mar my body, or hurt me in any way. i'm not that bad. yet, whenever he talks about it, I can hear the venom and distaste in his voice. I can feel the hate.....i'm his wife. he shouldn't hate me..... |
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