*sigh* where to start? i almost had a nervous breakdown last night. five nights ago, my husband told me that our marriage doesn't make him happy and i'm not enough for him anymore. that hit me pretty damn hard considering ive done nothing but try to keep him happy since we have even been together. and i'm failing as a wife? it still bothers me, but not as much as it did that night. so last night i started writing about how much it hurt me in my journal, and how a good friend of mine and her bf offered their home to me if i needed a place to go. well i must have fallen asleep writing because next thing i know, i am being woke up by my journal being thrown pretty hard. HE got mad at ME because of what i wrote in MY journal. it caused a really big argument that just drained me of everything. i'm still drained....he said some things that seemed like they were just meant to hurt me...and he did. a lot. i ended up ripping my journal to shreds and leaving it lay all over teh bedroom floor and curled up in a ball and just cried. hard. that is the hardest i have cried since he last told me he was giving up on me and on us because of my family. last night, he said some pretty messed up shit to me. but everything i said to him to try and prove my point was wrong and i was making it up. he actually told me that he doesn't want me talking about him to anyone. not my family, not my friends, no one. good or bad. that hurt too. this girl i have known the longest of anyone in my entire life. we are literally best friends. and for him to say the shit he did about them cut me deep....towards the tail end of the argument he turned all sweet and remorseful and played a couple really nice songs, but then we started talking again and it started pissing me off again... so we stopped talking after that conversation. he still expects everything to be fine and dandy after that. i can paint a fake smile on my face but i cannot dry the tears inside. i am so close to a mental breakdown right now. i honestly don't know what is holding me together. but if anyone were to ask me if i still love him, i would say yes in a heartbeat. that's the really messed up part. i do still love him. i just won't wear my heart on my sleeve like i have been. i'll be more withdrawn into myself, protecting what's left of myself from further damage. i'm going to end up with a few scrapes and bruises i know, but at least i won't be completely crushed like i was twice in less than a week..... |
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