so hubby and i were arguing again the other night, and again he tells me he wants to go to florida. i asked him if he even wanted to be here and he took almost five minutes to respond to me...he wants to argue about stupid stuff, and i feel even more like shit than i did before. for example, i found a really cute pair of rings for under one hundred dollars to replace the last one i lost, and he told me that my getting them would make him feel like a bum and got all pissy about it. i have tried to be the best wife i could possibly ever be to him, and it is still not enough. he doesn't want me, i don't think he even loves me, and he wants nothing to do with anything about me...i'm sitting here at the fucking computer crying again, and he was just texting me back and forth because i walked out of the bedroom that night. i guess he has to have the last word, or he just wants to hurt me or something. either way i am broken almost totally for the fourth time in two weeks, and i can't take another blow...this is the second time he's threatened to leave, and if he does a third, i will make the call for him, no matter how much i am hurting inside. couple more kicks and i will be at rock bottom with no where to go, no where to turn, surrounded by nothing but darkness and his words. i am way too broken for this. i cannot keep going back and forth between "i love you so much baby," and "i am leaving you and going to florida". today is one of those "i love you" days. but then again, he's been hanging out with my brother most of the day too so i really cannot tell...i feel fat and ugly and useless and worthless. like i don't mean anything to anyone. like i said before, they all turn on me eventually. like the 25th for instance. it was my mother's bday. i texted her saying that i bought her a card and that i would like her to come get it. she said she would. guess what, she never showed. big surprise there. didn't really expect her too, but i was surprised at how much it hurt me when she didn't show. and i was pissed at myself for hoping she would. like my husband, she probably did love me at one time, my sister also, but she turned on us. just like i feel he is doing. did i waste my money buying my rings? am i wasting time and energy fighting for this? is it worth it in the end?i want to believe it is but i don't know how many more times i can be broken before i can't be put back together? |
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