I want to die. but I know I cant. too many people here depend on me to stick around. like my brother for example. my mother is up to her old games again and he is the one suffering this time. it saddens me more than people realize. I was 16 when I went through exactly what he is going through at 14. she turned her back on him, making excuses for not seeing him, and he broke down in tears the other night in my bedroom because he still loves her and misses her so much. he hasn't seen her in over a month and it is killing him inside because he feels like she abandoned him and doesn't love him anymore. EXACTLY what I went through. and like me, he has had nights where he has thought about just not being here. thoughts about suicide. it hurts too much. make it go away.....why me? why doesn't she love me anymore? all these questions from his mouth sound like they were echoed from my mind. my journals. my heart..............
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so there is a possibility that matthew might have lost another job. again. he slept through his alarm day before yesterday, and I even woke him up 4 different times in one hour. he never went to work. and his boss being a dick that he is, was looking for any reason to fire him. this was the day that I had to go to the er for a sprained foot (long story lol). so that day sucked altogether. I was miserable all day, and now I find out matthew might not have a job again. i'm sorry, I love the man to death, but I can't do this with him not having an income again. we did it many times before. I can't do it anymore. even when he does have a job I still buy most of his stuff like razors and cigarettes and such, and it will only get worse if he cant instead of won't. its too much stress on me. I cannot do it again. I don't think I can do this anymore actually. it is too much on me. the up and down and back and forth with him, the shxt with my mother and all them, feeling completely alone here, not knowing who i can trust with my deepest secrets, feeling worthless, useless, ugly, no good....what good do I do? what am I here for? I WANT to die right now. I am so depressed and my heart is so broken, I don't see how I can possibly put myself back together.....its too much. too much pain. i'm only 23, how the hell am I supposed to deal with all this???T_T daddy I miss you........
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