sorry i haven't been on here in quite a while. it's been a very crazy past few weeks for me. to start it all off, my mother moved in with my grandma and us. i don't trust the situation, sadly, because of everything that has happened when she was around in the past. and it seems like history is just repeating itself. my grandma has had money come up missing twice in three days, and it totals over $200. yet before my mother come into this house, grandma kept track f her money exceptionally well. i don't want to think it but all the evidence points towards my mother taking off with it. not to mention she's been over at the house she supposedly moved out of almost every single night since she "left". she's buying things for them that she shouldn't have the money for. nothing adds up any other way. and because of the missing money, and just stress in general, the tension in this house you can hardly walk through. its unbelievable. she's not just wreaking havoc on grandma, she's getting inside my head again too. i've grown up with an abuser and know firsthand what drugs, alcohol and abuse can do to a family. especially a single mother who just suffered a family death not too long before. i've fought my entire life against the anger that has been bottled up inside me for so long, and it used to come out in short, violent spurts against my siblings. i vowed i would never become that. then i met matthew. we do rough house and play around a lot, and i will admit at times i do get pissed and i do get mean when he doesn't stop like i ask him to. well my mother seen us playing around one day and seen me playfully nip his shoulders with my teeth like i do (i do it because it gives him goosebumps and i think it's amusing and endearing to watch him shiver). well, he kept trying to pin me against the wall with my hands behind my back, so i was trying to get out of it. my mother made the comment that when we do that it reminds her of what her thing used to do to her. it started off as messing around with them too and it turned into full blown abuse. it pissed me off initially because i have fought my whole life against that, and for my efforts to go so wrong, for me to fail so badly, made me question myself to the very core. what if i am? what if i'm not good enough? what if it gets worse and i do become the monster i've been fighting for so long? then i started thinking about other stuff. started recalling what happens when matthew and i play around. i started to feel like i don't deserve him. like all i do is hurt him. like he deserves better than this monster. then i started to wonder why he even wants to be with me. then i started to question if he even wanted to stay (even typing this makes my eyes tear up. it's still a fresh wound so its still a sore spot for me). so i started writing everything down in a journal and i cried myself to sleep. well, i guess i left my journal out and matthew must have found it because he started texting me at work the other day about what i'd written. this is one of those times where i'm kind of glad i am somewhat forgetful, because the issue needed addressed, and i would never have had the heart to actually bring up these questions to matthew face to face. but it's her old games all over again, i know. but i'm not completely immune to them all. i love my husband and the last thing i would ever want to do is hurt him. she even made it seem like she was just playing the concerned mother and tried to play on the sympathy card of everyone here in the house. i was crying, yes, but only because i was so pissed that ANYONE would ever accuse me of something so absurd as abusing the only man in my life who has ever made me feel like this and made me this happy.
*~/~*as for matthew and the army, it's still somewhat of a sore subject for me, but i am learning to accept it and i am showing him more and more how far i am willing to go for him. he knows i support him, and i will for anything he may choose to do. i can only hope they don't choose to make him something that will keep him away from me longer than necessary. after all, we are planning to start a family soon. like, within the next year or so soon. he's already gone through MEPS or whatever it is, and now he just has to get 5 teeth pulled and the rest of his mouth fixed before they send him off for 4+months for basic and AIT. i've come to realize something quite paradoxical about myself these past couple weeks. i don't need a man to survive, but yet i do need my husband to live. it makes sense in my mind. i'm grateful because right now not a whole lot of other things do. well, you know what they say. if something is worth it, it won't be easy and if it's easy then it's not worth it. i love my husband with all my heart and would give my last breath to prove that. but we still have flaws in our relationship. just this morning (well technically yesterday morning considering it is now almost 3am on the 10th) we got into a dispute that lasted most of the day. but we talked it through and we got over it. we worked through it like we always do. then again, having something that brought us back together also helped.
*~/~*speaking of, i guess i lost a friend today. it kind of saddens me because we have been friends for over 14 years. it wasn't my choice to do so, but it is something i could not help. this friend has been jealous of my husband since the moment he and i began even talking because matthew is all i would ever talk about (admittedly he still kinda is after almost four years). well this friend has been doing little things to try to get between us for quite some time. like when we would hang out he would stare at me constantly and "eye-bang" me as my husband and a few others would say. not to mention when we were still in missouri, he called me about this time one morning and poured his heart out to me, basically telling me he loved me and would never find anyone else like me and that he was sad that we would never work out. naturally i told matthew all of this. 1, because i refuse to keep anything from my husband, and i honestly didn't know what i was supposed to do. i didn't know whether to stay friends with this person or to cut it off then to prevent any further problems(in retrospect, asking my husband for that kind of advice probably wasn't the best idea...) but i decided to chance it and remain friends. well, this past night at work, i'm texting both matthew and this friend of mine, and they had been texting each other. matthew finally said something to him about the way he has been acting, and he started texting me. well things started going awry with the two of them (as per usual) and this friend told me "i need to be honest. i don't think we should be friends anymore..." and that he "doesn't need this right now." yes, because my life has been nothing but a walk in the park since we got back from Missouri. well, later on in the convo, he said he was sorry and wanted to remain friends if at all possible. i'm sorry, but i don't know if i can stay friends with someone who would so easily throw away a 14 year friendship just because of something someone else said. that would be like grandma pissing off Matthew and then Matthew coming to me and asking for a divorce. i just don't know if i should continue something like that. i don't know if i could. unlike most people, i do not like the idea of two men fighting over me. especially when one is my friend. it broke my heart when he told me that he didn't want to continue this friendship. i was there for everything he went through and the various girl- and boyfriends and breakups he has had. his rebellious stages, the few major deaths in his family, his coming out, i helped him with all that. and for him to go and tell me he wants to throw it all away over that? yeah, it hurt. but i'll be damned if i show him just how much. but when he told me what was going on, he made my husband out to be the bad guy. Matthew let me read every single message that was sent between them. it didn't even happen the way i was told. so not only did he tell me he wanted to end our friendship, he also lied to me, which further proves my point. i don't deserve a friend like that.
*~/~*i gotta think this over some more, but i think i know what i need to do. i just hope Matthew will be there to wrap his arms around me like he is so good at doing when i do finally decide. |
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