why does it seem like i am addicted to certain kinds of pain?? i don't like emotional pain, even though i keep going back to the source of the deepest emotional pain i have ever known, and i'm not a big fan of most physical pain *aside from spanking of course lol*. it seems like my scars are calling to me, telling me to give some more. i want to bleed, i want to feel. i am really trying hard not to right now, and i know some of you are going to despise this entry, and if you are one of those either don't say shit to me or stop reading and leave my page. this entry is for me.not you not anyone else but me. things have been going on between my husband and i and inside my head that i am having trouble dealing wtih, and for some reason or another, that helps. seeing my blood, feeling it drip slowly across my skin, feeling that blade slice through my flesh like a hot knife through butter, it's comforting in a weird way. it reminds me i am still human i guess. a bad one, but still human. it's the only way i know how to deal with things. it quiets my thoughts, makes certain things more...bearable. some people cut to be part of a fad. some do it to fit in, some do it cuz they think it is "cool to cut". i am none of these, let's get that straight right here right now. i do it because the pain in my arm is less than the pain in my heart, and for some reason it makes it a little better. i do it for my sanity. i know it's an unhealthy way to think but it's me. it's my way of dealing. has been for a while. some of my scars you can't even see anymore, some are still a couple months old yet. but i do. i'm sorry ifi disappointed some people, but frankly right now i don't give a flying fuck. only three people i know personally know about them, and honestly i don't care. even as i type this i struggle with the urge to take a blade to my skin. i know my hardships are no excuse and i shouldn't be doing it, but we all do things we shouldn't do at some point in our lives. it's better than whoring around or getting hooked on drugs in my opinio. the only one i hurt this way is me. no one else. i don't like causing others pain and this way i am only hurting me. i'd rather me be the one being hurt than the ones i care about most. i'm sorry if i disappoint someone, or if i bring up memories for someone of a loved one i remind them of, or whatever. if i piss you off, i don't fuckingcare. like i said in the beginning, you don't like it gtfo. this is me. this is for me. not for you. |
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