Realization, Entry Three

I love Edward…

There, now that I have admitted it, maybe it won’t consume me anymore. Every time I see him maybe the words “I LOVE YOU” won’t scream in my head and me try to deny it anymore. So, yes I love my ex and I’m in love with my husband… Not that uncommon, right?

Jake is more than my husband, he’s my best friend, my other half, the father to our children, and yet all the love I have for him can’t make the feelings for Edward leave. I wish it would all just go away but I’ve been denying my emotions about Edward for damn near eight years and it’s gotten me no where but hurt.

I believe that it hurts Jake too… He wants to know EVERYTHING that goes through my head about Edward, all the dreams I have of him… But I’m at the point where I simply love Jake too much to let him know it all. It’s hard to not be completely honest with Jake but it’s even harder to see that look in his eyes.

This Bella is smart enough to know that no matter what, Jake is the right choice for me. He’s the one that I’m supposed to be with and he IS enough for me. I just need to learn how to deal with my emotions for Edward in hopes of some day, getting over them.

And maybe through this journey my stupid fantasies involving Edward will diminish also.. I’m so tired of thinking that one day I’ll meet him alone in the store and he’ll kiss me, or something like that. I hate it! I want it to stop… but how do you constantly control your thoughts? I haven’t learned that trick yet but I’m trying… I guess that’s all for now.