As I begin the end of my second stage in pregnancy, the highly awaited birth starts to become the focus of my attention. Many thoughts, questions, and worries start to jog my mind, from here to there. Then I refocus and remind myself I have 3.5 months to go.... WOW! So quick has this whole experience gone by. The fear of just knowing you carry that littl soul inside you has gone away and now it's the fear that your doing it wrong or that something could be wrong. I was blessed this morning with something that reminds me that none of that matters.
A friend's diary, on bloop, posted a blog telling us to go read another one and what a blog that was! I cried multiple times because this blog was amazing and beautiful. A mother of a baby born with a illness opens her heart about the first reaction, the pain and struggle trying to understand, the bargaining of taking it back, and then the love she ultimately feels that goes beyond all he fears and new turns this litte life brings. Something in that, something in the beauty of discovering love with a thing barely a day old but has been with you for over 9 months, it takes your breath away. As a first time expectant mother, I am willing to say that wether the baby is a boy or girl, although doctors say a girl, whether it's healthy or not, my biggest fear is that I won't know how to love it. Everyone says, books, friends, family, and strangers tell you that when you hold that baby you will feel it and know. When you see that little face and those little hands you won't be able to resist, but I know that is not always the case.
I have no reason to believe that I won't love my baby and realistically I don't at all worry about it but it is something to think about. Unconditional love, as described in scripture, is a undenying irrevocable love that will go farther than death to be shown. I love my husband and my family but there is a life inside of me that i feel love for and I don't even know. Just like my faith, I know and trully believe God is out there, but I have never met him face to face, I haven't touched him hand in hand, and talking well most conersations are one sided, but I know he's there. Yes I have heard my babies heartbeat and seen images of it's body but i have never met it. I talk to it but it doesn't respond, I feel it but cant touch it...... What is inside me is profoundly unbelievable, and yet so perfectly innocent.
Evolution, teaches that something came from nothing, and that something became a cell, that went and blew up, and changed from the cell to a something else, that began the process of our world. Even in birth something already existed, two cells that combine and they don't just miraculously form there structures they already have what is needed to form. Although birth is miraculous, it is a specific process. A process designed by a awesome living God and is full of so much teaching and so many aspects of human life that I cannot even begin to explain fully, it is love. What better way for God to show us something so profound then with what naturally occurs with in us? The closest I will ever be to creating something they way he did is this very thing. How AWESOME is that? Makes all the other trivial worries, and questions rather pointless but also so relevant.
I'm on a new kick with videos because Music is one of the most perfect ways to hear the feeling, of what is being said. At some point, I won't post only christian videos because I love music and there are just to many forgotten songs but God seems to be pushing me into more of him. This song is well known, not just because weall sing it in church but also because it is simple and true.
ENJOY!
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