And GOD...SPEED. 

07/05/2021

I have never had a problem in vilifying myself. Alyways, I have been my own worst nightmare, a thing of the shadows. A monster in my mind, a sick. filthy, discusting creature that bumbles like a bafoon through this life, and yet glides effortlessly under the cover of darkness in betwixt and between thick branches and vines, they scratch and claw at you, but wrap like the softest tendrils around me, drops of blood to you cause panic and dissaray, in my world, it is the sweetest delight, and when finished, you are absolutely joie de vivre......Im not really sure where the self hatred started, but it is the first thing I can remember. Besides being afraid. Was being very discusted with myself. Even as a little girl. Maybe it was the rejection. Always longing for a friend, always forced into sitauations where over time you saw the same people over and over and over so they were called your friends. Maybe even spent sleepover nights. But my god, when you were in a group, it was like a invisible dome of a bubble seperated you. You could hold out your hand, and still they would look past...You were...There...Playing the sport. Playing the part in a play. Writing in a club. Going on endless field trips to places that are now forgotten in time and space, and stolen from my brain by so many poachers and time theives. All together as one....Yet always alone......Surrounded........Yet in isolation..........Oh my god, if they coudl only see the opportunity they were handed and threw away. These ' godly ' people, these self righteous, hypocritical monsters that I had to endure. All I wanted was...Affection. Care. The touch of a hand, a direct look in the eye. Someone to notice...Its like those people in the movies who are always with others, and yet invisible. Oh people knew my name alright. Still do. As the black sheep, the dark one, the LESBIAN, the freak. The LESS THAN. And EVERY LAST ONE OF THEM I COULD PICK APART THEIR FLAWS EVEN NOW. They all wear masks. ALWAYS DID. They all judge. Always did. They ALL SECRETLY hold the deceivingly lovely bitterness in their souls. The anger. The difference between them and I? I never denied it.