If any of you knew what I had to do and go through for the past 10 years just to survive, you would be angry, in tears, laughing, throwing up, shitting and peeing your pants, climbing the walls, endless nightmares would haunt you the way they have me. They would chase you down and just when you thought you couldnt take it anymore, because they were so violent and real? They stopped altogether. No more dreaming. Good or bad. Just nothingness. Then you wake up to this world and its system and the lies fall away but for me they fell away so violently and traumatically that I fell into the abyss with no one to pull my hand to get me out. I had no solid ground to stand on, it was hot and dark and freezing at the same time. I discovered awful things, and then my head and neck were attacked by the pestilance, the terrible monsters of this world in human skin. They are alive and well on this planet. They infect your mind and heart and see a light in a person and want to stomp it out like a flower in the dirt on the ground. Theieves, liars, slanderers, they saw the good in me and took advantage and hurt me over and over, and I pretended not to notice. I even made it easier for them to steal from me, to lie to me, to hurt me because MY HEART WAS PURE. My actions may have been taken over sometimes, but my heart was light and love and pure and yeah there was darkness but they came to feed on the light, not the dark. I made mistakes, I cant take them back. This flesh is not what it seems. Darkness is underneath, and chains, its a chain link buncha bullshit. LIES AND FEAR RULE WHAT LIES UNDER THE SKIN. Some people say to live with it, some say to try to kill it. But what I have seen would blow your mind. This life? I dont know anymore why I was sent here, I allowed this world to get to me, to hurt me. Oh please if I could make you understand. I was never like them. I just wanted.....Home......Love........To be loved and to belong and not to stick out like a sore thumb, not to feel rejection like the sharpest of serated edged knives in your heart. My poor heart. Pain from cradle to grave. Whatever is after that? That is what I am living now. I will never be anything like them. I was a beautiful light, born with darkness in the skin, yet light underneath. I JUST WANTED TO BE FREE. I JUST WANTED TO BREATHE. Just to feel the warmth of an embrace of family and know you belonged there, dont you see? No one understands. Oh how it rips and tears and breaks my heart. I dont think Im even alive anymore. WE WERE BEAUTIFUL. CREATED BY GOD IN THE IMAGE OF OUR CREATOR. THEY TOOK THAT AND FOUND US, AND INFECTED US, AND WE ARE NO LONGER THE.........Seeds. Oh those little seeds we were. I cant even. Just have a good night. This life has brokenness all in it, and there is no one not touched by it. SO be careful laughing at , mocking, or disbelieving us. It comes for you as well. <3 |
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