I have had the most horrific and tulmultuous time with these diseases/illnesses and coping with living with people who think that I am insane when they are just plain ignorant. To add to it, my father buys my smokes and gives me 4 a day. I should not have to worry about that in my condition, it is a small luxury and comfort to me. I was sitting here and my son gave me the whole pack that my dad just bought, as he had snuck them from the vehicle. I had the biggest and hardest battle over giving them back, I even cried to the Lord about it. I prayed ‘ Jesus please show me that You have not abandoned me, that you have not left me alone. Show me that You still love me in a way that I only will understand ‘. Then I went and gave them back to my dad, crying all the while but knowing that it was the right thing to do. I did not even tell on my son. He told on himself.
My dad started berating and critisizing me and I said I had hoped that you would be proud of me. He said ‘ I’m not. I am not proud of you. ‘ Somewhere inside of me, that crushed my spirit, after having just prayed that prayer. So here I sit in tears, yet again. My neck and brain being pulled on so painfully and scarily. I wait for the moment it snaps, though I do not long for it anymore. My spirit and soul and hurting. Please Jesus do not leave me. Show me that You still love me. That I am still Your daughter. Please do not let them take my crown. Put it back on my head, and let me shine for You. Heal me so that I can show Your glory. I love you. Amen. xoxo <3 |
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