I know that nobody is going to read my rant. But I had to put it somewhere. Im scared. And sick. And everything is wrong. And everything is fucking fucked. And I had to put down whats happening somewhere. And since everyone hates me here I figured that it might as well be here.
i miss my son
fuck
hes all ive got to live for really. they made sure i cant be with him and they tell me he wakes up with nightmares screaming for me
cant handle it
i lost kris. found this new girl. i am losing her already. my son ashton was all that i had in this world to keep me in it and now ive lost him as well.
im slowly gonna die from this new disease according to all the doctors ive emailed since this antibiotic set isnt working there is literally nothing left.
shit has fallen apart.
just moved here cuz i was forced to.
no friends. i suck at making them.
even worse at keeping anyone.
just have nothing left.
cant do it much longer.
im getting worse. and all i want is my son. cant have him. cant keep anyone. want to cry. but i fear id never stop. idk.
gets hard. not to drink down the vodka with all my pills. its so..fucking..hard. and i can feel myself slipping. farther down into the darkness that ive fought against and yet felt most comfortable in and embraced for all of my life. i thoguht that i was stronger. i thought i changed. i thought i was different.
did i tell you i finally saw kris? yeh. few weeks ago before she left for military training.
it was fucking awful
she joined the army?
yeah
the woman i love looked me dead in the eyes and told me that she never wanted to see me again or hear from me
ever ever again
said she didnt care anymore
i know shes lying. also know shes convinced herself its the truth.
but it hurt like fuck
she made me promise
made me promise..to never speak to her again
forever..
i think a part of me died that day and the rest of me went the day after that when i was told that i wouldnt be able to go home to my little boy.
and then all hope was lost when i foudn out how sick i really am today.
the michigan doctors skate around the topic so i went to doctors who have nothing to lose by telling me the truth.
i just wanted to tell somebody
and one of these nights. im scared is going to be forever.
cuz i cant hold on like this forever. idk. i just needed to rant it out just a little bit thats all.
this life has broken my heart. that is all.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z3KK2CBby0I
''My heart is broken.
Sweet sleep, my dark angel.
Deliver us from sorrow's hold.
Over my heart.
I can't go on living this way.
But I can't go back the way I came.
And I will wander 'til the end of time.
Half alive without you.
Change - open your eyes to the light.
I denied it all so long, oh so long.
Say goodbye, goodbye.
My heart is broken.
Release me, I can't hold on.''
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