so ive had this myspace for years and years. thousands of friends.
my ex didnt want me to delete it because there are years of our stuff. just gone.
but i..just did.
maybe this will help me to move on.
now every trace of her is gone from my life.
i mean at least on the outside ha.
this is a big step for me.
But I am scared because what if me doing this makes it so much easier for her to forget me?
Torture, Purposeful Torture...
Blinding rage, a sudden pain, un-wanted tears
Seeping through the milky haze
Drowning out the fearful beat of my heart
Tainted by bloody hands, mixed with the seething vapor of hatred.
The deadly pallor comes over my face, as once again my dreams are swept away in the twinkling of an eye, and the unmistakeable, bright flash of a blade...
What is there to lose? What is there to gain? In this dark, lonely, world of blackness, losing is a comfort, as the metal dulls the pain...
They lunge for me again, taking my mind into their hands. Gripping me fron all directions they start out gentle as a whisper, but, gradually grow to a scream. Telling me just to take that last step into oblivion...
'Deeper, harder, that's it, just a little more.' Death is made to sound like a balmy, peace-filled bliss in their mouths...
Their probing, ravaging hands encircle my flesh as they whisper their strangely, calming, disturbing, words of entreaty. They assure me that by taking that one last plunge into darkness freedom will come...I am so overcome with the possibility of having a faint hope once more that I do not see the sneers, and, evil laughter resonating all around me...
As the razor-sharp steel repeats it's bloody course, numbing my flesh, I cover my face with my hands, un-willed tears finding their way to the floor...it whispers the only real truth that I have known...'This Is Your Freedom'...
Un-Titled...
Everyone's Asleep. I creep silently, down the stairs, into the kitchen.
As I reach the drawer, I stop, looking around, I take out the knife. Putting it in-to my pocket, I turn around, walk up the stairs again, in-to the bathroom. The water runs in-to the shower, heating up. I stare in-to the mirror one more time, looking at the face that I detest...
Stepping in-to the shower, holding the knife, my hands trembling, I for the last time, lower it to my tender flesh...
As the cold steel makes it's penetration, I wince, at the sight of my own blood, as it starts it's long pattern...Dripping...Running...Bleeding...Agonizingly slow, spiriling down-ward to the clear water, now tainted...It is immiediately washed away, but, I am persistant, this time, un-willing that I should fail, yet in this too...Yes, in this one thing, I will win...
As the cut becomes a constant stream, I sense that my time is running out. I slowly sink to me knees, the un-relentless water stinging...Biting...Tearing...I feel numb, but, strangely liberated...
A peaceful ***Auora*** fills me, yet, I still long to live. The circumstances which drive me to such measures will never change...'You can leave soon! You don't have to stay here forever!', you say, but, you don't understand. My problems are mostly internal. They will folow me wher-ever I go...
No, this is the only way...
As my body, listlessly drops to the tile, I know I must be crying. But, why? This is freedom...
Yet, sobs still attack me. As my breath becomes more shallow, I remember the note that I left for everyone. I hope they aren't angry, and, can try to understand. They don't need me, anyways. They never did...
Heh, I always did care too much what other people thought about me. I wanted someone...ANYONE, to love me...Just to fold me in-to their arms, and, promise that they won't leave me alone...
But, they just couldn't understand the pain that I was in. Now, it is time...As I succumb to the magnetic force of death, I see a light, brighter than any other, suddenly, descends in-to a blackness, deeper than any I'd ever encountered...
Oh, why couldn't you just have loved me, and, saved me from this????????????
My last thoughts are written for all to see...
*But, I Wanted To Live...*...
Running...Tripping...Falling...
The vicious circle never breaks, for variation...
The hope, born af-resh, broken, by the fall...
What happens in between the time...
When we realize that happiness is achievable...
And, when we fall flat on our face, once again, after hoping...
Realizing that hope is false...
Pessimism, takes over positive reality, and, I shudder...
Realizing the penalty for such thoughts...
Soaring...Crashing...Breaking...
The law of gravity shows no mercy...
No relief for my tortured mind...
No new day of peace...
Anger, welling up against the flood-gates of my DISEASED emotions...
Pain...Fear...Trembling...
My mind races, as the trembling starting in my hands, spreads to my entire body, my fingertips feebly grasping the air, willing someone to be there to catch me...
Trapped against the wall, once again, as you ravage my mind, body, and soul...
Will this tremor ever stop...
As you walk away from me, at last, the full realization of what has just happened hits me with such force, I feel the panic welling up in me...
I now realize that I will never be the same again...
Maybe some-day, that can be a help to my life...
But, in this present state of darkness, even as weak as my mind is, I do know this one thing...
You destroyed me...
*Hugs*...... ...
This Is Really Morbid, but, I would like some opinions...If anyone likes it, I may post some more of mine...
Here it is...
Heather.....
4/15/2003
This Is The thing that I wrote today, that has drained me so. I hope you guys like it...Trishy~...... ...
All These Days sitting alone, trying desperately to find a reason to live. Reality strikes hard, as, one-by-one her dreams fall into the forves of darkness invading her life.
Breathing hard as a prayer is once more lifted up for a release from this hell that has become her life. She runs up the steps to the dark room once again. Blocking out the vicious words of hate spoken in a blind rage, the tears, unwanted slip down her fair cheeks. Her one desire was to have one person to love her more than anything.
She lays on her bed staring at the celiling, making friends with shadows on her wall. She slowly stands up, and, walks to the mirror. She is shocked by her own reflection, as she sees a ghostly-pale, tear-lined face, shadowed with pain. Her figure, once so curved and full, now is ravaged by the desire to look perfect in today's society. The fire and passion, once so clear and bright, is now overcome with econfusion, fear, and, worry. Her faith in God, once so strong is now weakened by the pain inflicted on her by human hands.
She makes the decision as she fails once more. Reaching into the top drawer, she pulls out the object of destruction. As the blade flashes into every corner of the room like so many thousand crystals and diamonds, she pleads one more time for someone to love her. She realizes everything is not like she's seen in the movies, and, she bleeds just to know that she is alive. Her world was made to be broken. The cruel blade flashes again and again, over the pure white arm, as she begs for someone just to know who she is. But, she knows that she's fighting a battle that she will lose.
Her mind is made up this time. Blindly searching for answers, she sees this as the only option left to end the pain. The knife shimmers as the life-blood drains from her arms. She hears foot-steps, and quickly hides under the mountain of blankets. The light pours into the dark room, as the figure yells, 'She's still asleep. A voice answers from below, 'She's just wasting her life in there.' As the door closes, darkness envelops her once more. She feels so frightened. She feels so alone.
She knows that even heros can't save her now. She's on a one-way street. Even in these last moments, she's still looking for special things inside of her. She's only human. She can't hide anymore. She feels like as if she's going crazy. She's in too deep. She can't turn back now.
As the realization that time is running out claims her, she laus down and prays to the God who saved her soul, but has forsaken her. One more time she begs to be taken to a place of acceptance and love.
As the last drops of blood fall to the growing, dark puddle on the floor, she cries even as she doesn't want to do this. She wants to live. She craves life. The last drop runs down her arm, and hangs on her finger-tip. Then, as if in slow motion it suddenly falls, and hits the floor.
Suddenly, as the gentle eyes close for the last time, her dying breath is a prayer for love and forgiveness for this sin. As her last breath is escaping, the sky seems to cry with the rain falling on the earth as one treasure, un-discovered, leaves it's arms...... ...
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Have you ever had sex with a man before?
Yeah, and I could have done that with a german shepard.
Here's my piece of shit that I wrote for to-day...
'Vortex'...
'Lies, Promises, Twisted love, broken in an instant...
Shattered pieces of imagined trust, laying in my hands...
Thoughts of suicide prevail against the darkness etched in-to my heart...
Hazy vortex, spinning, loud, growing thicker with each thought from dark, troubled thoughts, swiriling throught my mind...
It comes nearer, and, I be-gin to feel the magnetic force, as, it pills relentlessly at my soul...
I cling desperately to the love...The one thing that I have left...
In that one moment, my mind seems to be in slow motion, as I look pleadingly at that last breath of hope.
As time remails suspended, I see the soft, contours of the one face that I love, and, trust, turn black with an un-imaginable hate...
It then breaks in-to a thousand pieces, as that last breath is forced from my aching lungs...
And, my fingers pain-fully let go of life...
The darkness...The pain...The vortex...Wins...'
~!!~Trisha~!!~...... ...
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Have you ever had sex with a man before?
Yeah, and I could have done that with a german shepard.
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