When presented with the choice to say good luck or I'll pray for you I found myself saying good luck and then feeling the same then when I thought about it it was not that I was ashamed of God it was that I was ashamed of myself because I didn't want people to say so you can act like that and yet say you love God. I have to do better. I want to do better. I wear my heart on my sleeve or at least I used to and people keep telling me that you shouldn't put all your stuff out there but the thing is that's who I am and I need to be an open book because one day everything that we've ever done or said is going to be brought into the light for everyone to see. Literally. Not to mention before God. Yes I have fear about what's in my body as far as this quote sickness. But I am so tired of fighting. I was never meant to fight alone. So God right now I lay my weapons down hopefully for the last time. I forged those weapons out of deep hurt and anger and bitterness and instead of protecting me all they did was make the best parts of me go dormant a silent as the grave until I thought they were dead and I killed them. But I'm realizing they're not dead they're just buried so deep. I feel like someone who's incapable of emotion the way I've always had it comes so easily to me it's hard now. And I will get it back. The rose in me has not and trampled to death like I thought. And honestly what's so good about knowing the quote truth anyway? All it's done is bring me complete and utter misery and Agony and anguish and everything horrible. I'd rather know the truth of Jesus Christ and believe to the death than to know all this and have it happen to my body and have it be for nothing beneficial. The crystalline world I always used to talk about? Is shattered into a thousand pieces and I was the one being cut trying to pick them up. But Jesus is my Lord. And another thing I'm sick and tired of people telling me exactly what I have to do in order to be right with Christ. It's one thing to have Sage counsel from your elders but it's another to be told that I'm going to miss the Rapture if I don't every second ask Jesus what to do next. I do not find one Biblical scripture of people being saved and yet left behind. I'm just so tired of living in fear. So again I realize the fear as a weapon and that's one of them that I'm laying down today at the feet of the Risen Lord. I love you Jesus please take care of me. And please don't let my life be for nothing and wasted. And please take care of Pattie and keep her safe and put your warring angels around about her. I miss her so much. | 
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