My darling sweet baby girl..Svetlana,
you got online today. you didn't talk to me at all. haven't said a kind word to me in 6 months quite almost. I thought you were dead for some reason. i was so scared. i still am. that you'll hate me until the end. until one of us dies and all that is left is the whisper of a memory in time.
You were my air, and now that you are gone, I can't breathe. I have tried so hard to give you what you want: me gone. I think that I have succeded partly.
I don't know how we have come to this. The part where you hate me. Where you can't stand to hear my name.
I miss you. I miss us. I miss the way that you used to make me laugh, and tell me how much you loved me over and over because you knew that I needed the reassurance. The way you hugged me close to you and told me that you would love me forever. The way that your lips met mine in the softest and the most passionate kiss that I have ever expieranced. The way that our bodies meshed together so perfectly. How I held you against me, trailing my fingertips down your silky skin. The way your hair entwined with mine as we lay in each others arms.
When you laughed my heart leapt with joy, and when you smiled the sky became a glistening star like so many diamonds that the sun shined down on. When you looked at me I melted into the biggest pile of love. When you held my hand in yours and said how small they were..Haha, oh god how I love you. There's so much that I miss. I can't ever put it down into words. This is so hard, baby because I never want to let you go. But you have let me go. At least outwardly.
My heart aches to be with you once again. My soul cries out with longing to hear your sweet voice in my ear. But I am left with only a fading echo in my head.
Oh my god, why did you have to go?
My god, who was I trying to fool? I guess myself more than anything or anyone.
I can't do this. What the fuck was I trying to prove to myself? What? That I can live withought her alright enough? I CANT. That I'm strong engough to do this life alone? I'M NOT. That I could be alright anyways? I NEVER WILL BE.
I was born with sadness. I can't expect it to go away. Especially now. She breathed the breath of life into me..Now, she's gone and I can't breathe.
I have tried so hard.
I do not know what to do.
I was trying to prove to her that I have changed, because I really have.
BUT SHE DOESN'T EVEN READ THIS.
WHO THE FUCK WAS I TRYING TO KID?
Oh yea..Myself.
Oh fuck. How can I live withought your love?
Oh baby, what the fuck have I done?
What could i have done to make you stop loving me to the point that we are at?
To the point where you can't stand to hear my name.
I love you always and forever.
♥♥
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