i have made a decision almost a week ago now. ive had a surgery to remove one of my vital organs that was diseased and riddled with awful stuff. i was put on a medication that i had to take once a day, otherwise i will go into a coma and die frankly. i made the decision to stop taking that medication a week ago, and i do still have some time before that will happen to me, and my body will shut down according to my doctors.
it may be stupid to you. and others. but it is my decision to make. im not making this with a muddled head. i am thinking very clearly, and my decision was not made lightly.
they took my child. kris left and wants me to die she says. i wish that i could talk to her. she always makes everythinig better no matter how stupid that may or may not sound to any of you. and i know that i could fall in love again someday. its not about that. its not about that at all so dont give me the speech. i have heard it all before.
im not killing myself, im putting myself into the hands of fate and god and we will see what happens.
i am of sound mind, regardless of my propensity to let the darkness take me over. i know exactly who i am. i even like myself most of the time.
its not about wanting to die, its not about taking the easy way out. its not even about escaping.
its about the fact that i have experienced the things that life has to offer and they are beautiful and wonderful and marvelous and amazing. ive also experienced the dark side of life and sometimes, certain people are born with a pain inside of them that makes them unable to be like other people. a pain, a handicap if you will. i have loved this life, and i have hated this life. and experiencing both the good and the bad, the balance just isnt equal anymore.
and this is my choice. so now its up to god.
but i just wanted you to know because i am tired of being asked whats wrong and whats going on with me. so now you know.
sileo in pacis infinitas. ego diligo vos infinitas. ♥ |
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