So much has happened to me in such a short time. After Svetty left me I thought that I'd never be able to love again because she was the one. I wanted..Everything with her. I had her and she hurt me so much I never recovered completely. The pain I went through with her crippled me, clipped my wings so to speak. The agony of losing the person that you believe is your one true love is..Incomprehensible. Then one day this girl comes along and I fell in love..And in her I saw the possibility of forever..I think I had been so concentrated on forgetting Svet that I forgot about the rest of the world and the possibilities therein. And now..I've lost this one too. And this hurts in a different way. If you came close to me, I'd whisper in your ear that I think she was the one..My god I feel so nostalgic right now. I miss Svetlana so much. The girl that I used to know..The one that was so gorgeous that she took my breath away. Such beauty that you cant help but not be able to breathe..And when she first looked into my eyes and held my hand, I just..Knew that dreams could come true. And then I lost her.
And now the ''new girl'' that I fell in love with left and I feel like..Hopeless. But different, because, I KNOW that I have so much to give. It's within me, the capacity to love and care for someone, it's not dead. I..Am not dead like I thought that I was. It just..I feel empty right now. It hurts so much that it also takes my breath away. I don't fall in love easily. Only a handful of times in a lifetime, because, when I love someone, I want to be with them forever. And only them leaving me makes that stop. And maybe I'm scary with the intensity of how I feel..Maybe I should keep those things to myself. And normal people would tell me to just give up and move on and find someone out there who appreciates me for who I am and loves me the exact way that I love them. But..I know in my heart that this didn't happen for nothing, there is a reason. I feel like it's sand just slipping faster and faster through my fingers, and there's nothing that I can do to stop it.
I have lived for two years in a crystaline world made up of shadows and dark forebodings, living in darkness. When you live like that for so long and then find the sunlight and it goes away..How do you just let it go when you know it loves you as well? I don' tknow. I am going to have to figure it out. Everything I longed for, not allowed anymore. Everything I hoped for, just a fading dream like it never was to begin with. How do you watch your love be with somone else and just stand there and say and do nothing? I need to know.
There's so much more that I could write right now, but, at this point in time no words can truly express what I'm feeling. Which is sad, because, that's how I've communicated who I really am to people all of my life. With words. Love in words, then people meet me and I'm not what they expect. Or..I am and something else happens. I just don't know.
'The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.'
I won't give up on her and us until I take my last breath..I know that. But for now..It has to be only inside that my love lives. Never dying. Always ready to spring back into action. But for now it will be as if it never existed. As if my love was never returned. And..If I can do this until I either get her back or anything good..
If I can do this..Then I can do anything.. |
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