its not like anyone will ever read all of this but i had to get it out anyways and write it down right now while im still feeling everything right now. and no its not all about kris.
ive been hearing what people say to me. that i need to leave her alone and give her space and time and all that good shit, if i want a chance at getting her back. and it makes sense to some degree, but i dont know how to do that when i cant breathe without her. its been a year and a half now and i still cant breathe without her. i miss her so much. every minute. she was light and oxygen to my starving soul. my starving heart. and now shes gone. and i dont know why. do you know how maddening that is. i dont believe what she says. i know better. ive seen her eyes, looking into mine. i know the truth. every last twisted piece of it. but i mean more to her than what she said. she became..home..the moment that she held me in her arms and didnt run away. she saw me at my worst and still loved me regardless of what shes saying now. i saw the truth. just like i said that i would. moving on from that for a minute.
ive come so far in my life and people choose to point out the good things that ive done, but they dont realize that ive been drowning all of this time. drowning and going under and coming up and going under and coming up, gasping for air. and you can only do that so many times before you stay down there in the darkness..forever..
everything hurts so much. there is no respite from it anymore. no release. no stopping it. the skeletal fingers of death and pain have been haunting me for years and trying to take me in its wicked grasp, and ive been doing the dance so to speak, trying to get away from it. i feel like ive been running at the speed of light in circles, always running from what pursues me, and all of this time ive been wearing down and getting a little slower, letting them catch me up a little bit at a time.
ive not always been as strong as people think. im stubborn yeah and bullheaded but thats not the same thing as real strength. the endurance and power that it takes to survive this world when you were born wrong. like me. i just dont think that i have that anymore at all. im so tired inside.
i was born with this sensitivity and this love inside of me thats honestly very rare and the negative side to that is that i get hurt so easily, and i cant let go of that which my heart deems worthy of wrapping its warmth around. i wanted to protect her. i wanted to love her until forever ended. but i knew. i knew that she was skittish about that word. so i tried not to say it. i did everything that she wanted except for the one thing that would have saved our relationship. its all my fault. well mostly.
but its catching me now. and i cant run anymore im so tired. theres no more me. just a bleeding hurting corpse thats still walking around for some reason. i have no idea why i was born this way. yeah i have some abilities and no i dont wanna talk about it. but id give up these cursed gifts in a heartbeat if itd make me different. more lovely. more..normal..and i cringe as i type that word but its the only one that applies in this situation right now.
and yes it is quite possible that i am merely mad. merely insane. they love to call me a psycho. im a walking oxymoron. i can be very dangerous yes. but i also am the most loving person that you will ever meet. i could kill you with one hand. and yet id rather hold you and kiss you and make you feel better about yourself. i say things that hurt people badly and deeply when they hurt me i lash out in anger and dont think about the consequences until its usually too late. yet if you treat me right i will make you so very happy. i promise. see. oxymoron.
but this pain. its laughing at me. its mocking me. its saying 'i told you so, you cant keep anyone. you're nothing. you're insane. she never loved you. nobody did'. etc. and i know that its not true but its like tactical torture, and brainwashing. if you lock someone in a room and make them hear only the same things over and over until they go mad or forget who they really are or they start to believe whatever it is that youre telling them. yes these things do exist. i have experienced it first hand.
i have so much to give. i had light again in my eyes, i had a smile dancing on my face and playing about my lips. and you took that away from me. you did so much damage and yet all that i want is a chance to fix what i did to contribute to everything. and nobody cares. everyones so tired of hearing about kris. they care but only if they dont have to be inconvienienced by it. and thats not okay. im not okay. im breaking apart. my heart..is broken.. ♥ |
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