I know that I've had big drug problems in my past. I was an addict twice in my life. The first time lasted years and then I took a break and then I went back and now I'm clean.
But, I did something terrible. There's a woman whom I love oh so very very much and dearly. She has been like a mother to me almost from the moment that we have met.
The problem: Her husband. I'm doing a short version of this because I can't write it all out right now.
I was so caught up in my addiction that I started letting him pay me to do things with him. He won't ACTUALLY have sex with someone because that would be cheating but as far as he is concerned ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING else goes and is okay. It's not cheating to have hand/blow jobs he says. It's not cheating to have anal sex. It's not cheating to have threesomes withought the screwing.
This has gone on for years. Not now, but before. And, he paid me money in the past FOUR years or so. But..I know that I was wrong for my act of participation in his stupid fantasies, but, HE TOOK ADVANTAGE OF MY DRUG ADDICTION and my 'need' for the drugs that I was doing at the time and he used that every bit to his advantage to make me do nasty horrible things. He got my friends involved to either bring me to meet up with him and a few of my girl friends participated to split the money with me.
HE TOOK ADVANTAGE OF MY DRUG ADDICTIONS..
I'm a lesbian. I didn't want to do any of that. Not ever. And, if I was going to be bisexual or have another boyfriend, he totally ruined that for me. And, I know that it was my fault for doing it. But. in another way it wasn't because I honestly had no control over and of my actions whilst being an active addict. I couldn't control it or HOW I got it.
I wanted to tell LORAINE..
And, she says that she has a bubble that she lives in which is her illusions and NIEVEty.. She said that she wants to keep some of her illusions about PAUL being great and good. And I said that while SHE gets to live in the illusion I have to live in the reality. And she asked me if I could deal with her bubble for a little while longer. And, so therefore I didn't tell her.
But, now it's reached the point where I have to. It's not fair that I have to carry this bullshit around with me on my chest for years and years. ITS BULLSHIT. I could not control my actions while actively addicted to drugs. Ask ANYone and they will tell you that.
It's over. I'm over. And, I hate both of them in a way. Him for possible even considering the remote possibilty that he's going to heavan. And, her because she wouldn't let me tell. What if he'd been a pedophile? What if he'd murdered someone? Loraine is supposed to just get away with not knowing anything just because she wants to live in a world where reality doesn't fucking exist. I love her, but I can't forgive that. She will stay with him anways. Fucking liar and cheater that he is. And, if she thinks for a second that I'm the only one he's done this shit with, she's fucking stupid. She has no right to be exempt from the truth simply because her bubble will have to be popped. Fuck the fucking bubble. And as far as he goes..I hope that he rots in hell. And, he will. He'll be lucky if I don't hex his ass which I am fully capable of doing. I cant hurt anymore because of a fat, ugly, idiotic fool of a poor excuse of a man.
Fuck you.
And, Loraine..I do love you, but it's too much. I'm so angry and it takes all that I have not to killl myself over him and what he's done to me.
You..Will stay with him and believe his lies. That's fine with me, but don't expect me to sit around and watch him kiss you and say he loves you when there's this monster on the other side of him.
He's a liar. He's a cheater. He's a monster who thinks he is HELPING ME by that shit.
Goodbye. I'm sorry. |
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