I used to be able to come here and write and get my feelings out and then be okay for a little while but that is not the case any more. My feelings have reached a level that is not able to be effectively communicated in words any more and there in is one more thing t hat has been taken away from me.
I am only 27 years old. I live in a constant state of fatigue and pain in my muscles and joints which until recently I had no idea what was going on with me. I literally will sink in to anxiety from the exhaustion. It does not matter if I sleep for one hour or for 10 I wake up feeling like I have not slept at all. I hurt every where. My knees and joints and even my finger bones seem to hurt. My back and neck spasms and I get tingling in my hands and feet. The bottom line is that for the past 2 years I have suffered almost daily from pain and all of the regular tests came back negative which left me even more upset because I could not find a source for all of this agony. I was put on Hydrocodone for another pain matter and literally almost all of my aches went away. Gratned they came back but, the pain was reduced to a tolerable level that left me able to enjoy my life again. I get to the point some times where even getting up to use the restroom hurts so much that I dread it. I overcame the condition that I was on the pain meds for and since I stopped taking them, the pain has returned with a vengence as well as my insomnia and exhaustion. I am at the end of my rope and do not know what to do.
And as for how I view myself? I think of myself as a black cancer. A lump of nothing. A waste of space. I spit into mirrors instead of looking into them. I have been known to repeatedly slap myself in the face. I am bad. I am no good. I am nothing. I deserve to be dead. I hate myself. I wish that I had never been born. I think that I am the ugliest and most disgusting creature that ever existed almost. I wish that I could just erase my life. Fall into the darkness and never wake up. Except that I am scared of what happens next after that.
I do not want to die.
I just do not want to live in pain like this.
I wish that I could go back and change what I have done. Change the course of my life. Change me. I miss home. I miss having a home. I am homesick. I was loved once. I was warm. I was loved. You do not understand the significance of being me..And knowing what I have lost..
And knowing that there is no way back for me. No help. No hope. No love. I used to think that love could conquer all. But now I am not so sure.
And the worst part about all of this is that I know..I know..That is my circumstances would change then my life would change.
But I do not have the resources any more to help myself to get better. To go home. To be more than what I am right now.
I simply do not know how to do that any more.
My hope is gone.
And with it I fear goes my way out. My way back home. |
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