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And What Was Love Is Just A Spell Thats Broken..xx
Last Updated: 2/16/2009
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Gender: Female
Status: Single
Age: 22
Sign: Cancer
City: Plymouth
State: Michigan
Country: US
Signup Date: 6/2/2005
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www.audiorecordingschool.com November 22, 2006 - Wednesday
trish is gone
Current mood: depressed
my name is jason. i was a close personal friend of 'Kat' -Trish- this was what happened. please read anyone that cared about her.
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7:35 AM 11/22/06 jason j (cm7777777@hotmail.com)
To: southernbelle2002@hotmail.com (southernbelle2002@hotmail.com)
Subject: It's over
first my mother screwed me over and now this happy thanksfuckingday. I just don't give a damn about anything anymore
Rosie just called 20 minutes ago. she got a call a couple of hours ago from the police. they had found the missing person they were looking for, trish. in a park by a lake. the cops approached her and she started to run but she ran into one of them she started fighting with them and started to go into convulsions. she was extremely strong and was throwing the cops around as they tried to restrain her two more showed up. 5 of them couldn't control her. the convulsions increased as she fought them. finally she stopped and fell holding her chest. the only word she said that they could understand was Lauren.
rosie called theresa whocame and got her and they went where the police told them to. they saw her body, rosie id'd it but they wouldn't let them touch her. they just got home.poor rosie she doesn't need this she has enoughon her plate to deal with. she thought they were getting on really well
this is way too much for me to handle and i'm going silent maybe for good. i don't feel like talking to anyone on the phone or internet so don't bother
i need to sign on her bebo and say this as she had given me her code in case she succeeded in her dream of ending her pain. one of only a couple requests she ever made of me. never took her serious enough cuz i alwys thought i could stop her if given the chance. her heart wass the one thing i couldn't save. reality sucks
now my life is empty my heart drained tears washing the ashes on the keyboard fromher everywhere i turn i'm reminded of a real friend if not my best friend who is no more. the second time this has happened to me. next time let it be me that's taken. i can't deal with this anymore
no more i'm done. my faith in God prevents me from ending my pain so i have to suffer endlessly as i always have. this time worse than ever as my body starts to fail. let it come. i can fight no longer. i have no reason to. take care have an ice whatever. no wonder i hate holidays.
I just posted an e-mail to a mutual friend of ours cuz i don't feel like repeating myself. no energy. no desire. Emily/Falon/Trish was a great friend and a remarkable person. I had the priveledge of living with her for 3 months. the best time of my life. She was the most loving and loveable persons you ever could meet. To her enemies, you don't know what you missed. To her friends, she loved you all more than you know. This isn't the first best friend I've lost. but it will be the last. I cannot deal with this cruelness of life. It's toll is relentless. Why can't it all just stop.
9:48 AM 8 Comments(Add Comment) |2 Kudos Edit Remove
November 10, 2006 - Friday
WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?
Current mood: apathetic
So, after everything that Lauren has put me through emotionally, today was the cherry on the top.
I came back from Michigan correctly this time. My head was on straight.
Then today, she basically told me that she knew that I was pretending to like her recently, and, that she needs me more than anyone in the world, and, that she cares about me as more than a friend, but, she said that she fucked that up.
That threw my head off track. I'm fucked up, right now.
I ran out of here, intent on killing myself, but, then called Bob, who came and picked me up.
We got back, I told him what happened, he came up here, and, told Lauren basically to leave within the next few days, and, she took a bottle of Benadryl, and, a knife, and, wrote us a note telling us that she was going to kill herself, then ran out of the house.
I found the note right away, and, took the car keys, and, went looking for her.
I couldn't find her, so, I came back, and, picked up Bob, and, we drove around looking.
Still couldn't find her.
I called the cops.
They came, and, to make a very long story short, she walked in the door, with the male cop, whilst me, Bob, the female Police officer, and, Nola (The woman who lives with her family downstairs) stood upstairs, talking.
They took her away to the hospital in an ambulance, to be evaluated.
She hates hospitals.
She hates cops.
She's surrounded by all of them now.
I am so drained.
My heart condition is only worsened by this.
They left about half an hour ago.
I wish to die.
xXx,
11:27 PM 19 Comments(Add Comment) |6 Kudos Edit Remove
October 24, 2006 - Tuesday
Heartbroken or dangerous? Which have I become?
Current mood: crushed
There's this thing inside of me, this morbid longing to simply say yes to death, but to look it square in the eye whilst doing so. Not in defeat, exactly, but, rather with the knowledge that you've done what you can to resist, and, still be open to the distinct realization that all is lost.
Despite the valiant efforts of those around you to become your saviour, the realization that as I said...All is lost.
Fall in love with the sin, pay the devil. Fall in love with the Devil, there's hell to pay.
Either way, you lose and stand there undressed, naked, completley exposed that which you've sold your soul to keep hidden, forever.
What is it about this journey that keeps people travelling it? If you take an honest introspective look at it, it becomes vividly clear in all of its rotten bleakness. Some people are content not asking why, and expecting an answer in return. I, on the other hand am not. Is this mortal coil worth the pain, the tears, the extreme agony for a few seconds of pleasure and joy that you create for yourself, or, recieve along the way?
And, they really believe that praying to their God will do anything but give them a false hope of what will never be? CURSE this God and wake up to realize that there is noone who is going to rescue you. Noone to save us now. All is lost. Yet, here I remain, still a slave to that which can never be, again.
What is normality? Honestly, it's people walking about acting like they haven't a care in the world, denying what they hope noone can see but everyone does.
There is no darkness blacker that living in denial of reality.
You may never be able to comprehend what I am speaking of, but maybe someday you will, and, maybe someday I will no longer care. God help you and me both when that day comes.
Covering your eyes with a blanket of denial to the truth may provide a comforting blanket for now, but just wait. Someday, someone will rip that completley off of you and you'll finally be the one who is left in the cold.
Elbereth bless you and help you. Believe me, you're going to need it.
In me, you will find many secrets. Many dreams. Many thoughts. Many lies. Many answers to your questions. And, most of all many mysteries.
For that is what I am, and, shall remain to those who cannot see past their own blindness. Enjoy your ignorance while it lasts, because trust me, it will come to an abrupt end. See where you are now, but who will be there to save you when all is dark and you finally realize exactly what you really are?
What you know in your head, and what you've been told about me, will take you only so far. But, what your heart tells you is for all eternity, the truth, forevermore.
The future is like this black dark hole, lined with the sharpest razorblades. So go on, and jump into the unknown.
I dare you. x
11:17 AM 6 Comments(Add Comment) |3 Kudos Edit Remove
October 23, 2006 - Monday
I just wrote this
Current mood: creative
FAKE (n. / adj.) -anything made to appear otherwise than it actually is; counterfeit; to pretend something in which is otherwise.
girls.
girls.
are mean, and heartless,
and cold. and jealous. what?
that's right, i said it. jealous.
did i stutter?
girls.
let me tell you something
that you should never forget.
i will always be prettier
than your personality
i will always be prettier
than your crooked smile
fake.
"all the way from her dyed hair
to her abercrombie jeans."
so what i dye my hair. and i wear
hollister. "fake". that's me.
that's sarcasm
her name is kim. or nicole.
or something. i don't care.
i don't know her. but she's
"heard all about me" so she
knows she doesn't like me.
i'm sorry, what was your name?
thanks for taking the time
to talk about me. thanks for making
me the center of your world.
that's genuine.
glare.
keep staring, i love it.
"look at her she's so ugly."
then why am i surrounded
by your boyfriends?
"look at her, she's so dumb."
well, i'm smart enough to know
that i don't need your approval.
"look at her, she's so conceited."
no, i'm just happy with myself.
"look at her, she'll never be like us"
i know.
talk.
keep talking.
you know me so well.
don't you? you think so.
tell me girls, why do i
constantly forget you exist?
tell me girls, why do you
care what i do? tell me
girls, why do you obsessively
ask about me?
i suggest you get a life
and stop looking into mine
fake.
you're right.
i do pretend.
to know your name.
to accept your apology.
i do pretend.
when i acknowledge you
in public,when i
include you in conversations.
when i speak to you with a
smile. fake. you've got me
figured out. but i've got you
on far worse grounds.
fake.
your clothes are just like mine.
your music is just like mine.
your friends are just like mine.
your makeup, your hair, your words.
looks as though i've got some
competition for that label.
next time you talk.
talk loud.
next time you hurt.
make it bleed.
next time to you see me.
i'll see right through.
that's a promise
you don't want fake friends?
i don't want fake enemies.
stab me in the back a little
harder, i keep forgetting to
feel the sting.
conclusion:
a sharp tounge slits it's own throat.
so with any luck, you'll keep talking.
12:36 PM 8 Comments(Add Comment) |5 Kudos Edit Remove
October 23, 2006 - Monday
The Only Comfort Of The Dead Is To Cry For What Once Was.
Current mood: crushed
Love-what a bitter twisted thing, designed only to sow hatred, discord, and, isolation-breeded by terror. Something that mankind was made to suffer in. A black hole, filled with the sharpest razors, just waiting for the next willing victim. The walls stained with the blood of countless others.
That is all what you who know me, would probably expect to hear me say.
But, this time, you'd be completley wrong, ye.
My desires are but a sin to me, and my love so willingly given like the rain on a starving desert-Misunderstood, yet ever present.
That's all that I had, see. Love. The one thing that never fails. Yet, at such a young age, I learned that there is always a price to pay, a piper to recon with, a God to bow before. Then, where does that leave the love?
The only comfort of the dead is to cry for what once was.
The feel of longing, so desperate, so innocent, so blindly unaware of the cruelty that lies ahead. Eiether way it will eventually be taken, and, shredded into a million pieces.
Oh, god how I loved her. So lost I was in that love that I didn't heed the beating of my own heart. I only wanted love. Love such as I had to give. Freely...Forever...
Oh, what makes them act as they do? Filling up their lives, wasting time on things of no consequence whatsoever. It does not serve to either remove, or heal their pain, only a fleeting distraction. A waste of time, essentially. Precious time.
I may have fallen from what I once loved, yet He as well will remain in my heart, this Jesus who has forsaken me. In these last moments what I have to say are from the bottom of my heart, however black. Though you may not understand them, these the words of a broken heart. I had but one thing which you could, nobody could-they couldn't take away from me. Love. This love. I can't make it stop and it knows no bounds.
Forgive me, please. For in myself I can spare none for me. No love can save me now. This burning mess, ashes from the core of my shell.
A secret left untold. A curse left undone. A thrill left unexpieranced. A flower left unopened. A song left unsung. A pain so deep that I cannot resurface ever again. You've lost me now. Oh, god I cannot make it stop. Please shorten the pain of those that I love and give them solace in this time.
MY sin, yes but born and acted out from this soul that truely knew the meaning of love. Withought question, withought hesitation, withought conditions. Holding nothing back. They may have crushed my heart, but my spirit will live on in you, in them. In all who truely believe in this precious thing called love.
An unopened flower is but for a time. The seasons will pass, and, with it comes the opening of the petals. However, far away, my heart still bleeds because of her. Of all of those that plucked, and, crushed the life out this flower inside of me. But, it all started with her. My first love.
My sparkle is now gone, but the glow will live on in the hearts of those that I loved.
Remember menot as the sad one, the one withought hope. Rather, only remember me as I will remember all of you. With the magic of
Love.
xXx
8:17 AM 0 Comments(Add Comment) |0 Kudos Edit Remove
April 3, 2006 - Monday
TO WHOMEVER HACKED THIS ACCOUNT, AND MY BEBO..YOU FUCKING SUCK..
Current mood: angry
Someone has hacked my MySpace and changed the password, so if anything weird happens, that isn't like me....That's why. They've hacked my Bebo, as well, and I'm fucking sick and tired of you assholes who are wanting to know me to know Emma fucking Watson. LEAVE ME ALONE.
Right...Now..
.. google_ad_client = "pub-9066369209837708"; google_ad_width = 120; google_ad_height = 240; google_ad_format = "120x240_as"; google_ad_type = "text_image"; google_ad_channel ="2802052065"; google_color_border = "FFFFFF"; google_color_bg = "FFFFFF"; google_color_link = "990000"; google_color_url = "990000"; google_color_text = "333333"; //-->..> .. src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js" type=text/javascript> ..> Torture, Purposeful Torture...
Blinding rage, a sudden pain, un-wanted tears
Seeping through the milky haze
Drowning out the fearful beat of my heart
Tainted by bloody hands, mixed with the seething vapor of hatred.
The deadly pallor comes over my face, as once again my dreams are swept away in the twinkling of an eye, and the unmistakeable, bright flash of a blade...
What is there to lose? What is there to gain? In this dark, lonely, world of blackness, losing is a comfort, as the metal dulls the pain...
They lunge for me again, taking my mind into their hands. Gripping me fron all directions they start out gentle as a whisper, but, gradually grow to a scream. Telling me just to take that last step into oblivion...
'Deeper, harder, that's it, just a little more.' Death is made to sound like a balmy, peace-filled bliss in their mouths...
Their probing, ravaging hands encircle my flesh as they whisper their strangely, calming, disturbing, words of entreaty. They assure me that by taking that one last plunge into darkness freedom will come...I am so overcome with the possibility of having a faint hope once more that I do not see the sneers, and, evil laughter resonating all around me...
As the razor-sharp steel repeats it's bloody course, numbing my flesh, I cover my face with my hands, un-willed tears finding their way to the floor...it whispers the only real truth that I have known...'This Is Your Freedom'...
All These Days sitting alone, trying desperately to find a reason to live. Reality strikes hard, as, one-by-one her dreams fall into the forves of darkness invading her life.
Breathing hard as a prayer is once more lifted up for a release from this hell that has become her life. She runs up the steps to the dark room once again. Blocking out the vicious words of hate spoken in a blind rage, the tears, unwanted slip down her fair cheeks. Her one desire was to have one person to love her more than anything.
She lays on her bed staring at the celiling, making friends with shadows on her wall. She slowly stands up, and, walks to the mirror. She is shocked by her own reflection, as she sees a ghostly-pale, tear-lined face, shadowed with pain. Her figure, once so curved and full, now is ravaged by the desire to look perfect in today's society. The fire and passion, once so clear and bright, is now overcome with econfusion, fear, and, worry. Her faith in God, once so strong is now weakened by the pain inflicted on her by human hands.
She makes the decision as she fails once more. Reaching into the top drawer, she pulls out the object of destruction. As the blade flashes into every corner of the room like so many thousand crystals and diamonds, she pleads one more time for someone to love her. She realizes everything is not like she's seen in the movies, and, she bleeds just to know that she is alive. Her world was made to be broken. The cruel blade flashes again and again, over the pure white arm, as she begs for someone just to know who she is. But, she knows that she's fighting a battle that she will lose.
Her mind is made up this time. Blindly searching for answers, she sees this as the only option left to end the pain. The knife shimmers as the life-blood drains from her arms. She hears foot-steps, and quickly hides under the mountain of blankets. The light pours into the dark room, as the figure yells, 'She's still asleep. A voice answers from below, 'She's just wasting her life in there.' As the door closes, darkness envelops her once more. She feels so frightened. She feels so alone.
She knows that even heros can't save her now. She's on a one-way street. Even in these last moments, she's still looking for special things inside of her. She's only human. She can't hide anymore. She feels like as if she's going crazy. She's in too deep. She can't turn back now.
As the realization that time is running out claims her, she laus down and prays to the God who saved her soul, but has forsaken her. One more time she begs to be taken to a place of acceptance and love.
As the last drops of blood fall to the growing, dark puddle on the floor, she cries even as she doesn't want to do this. She wants to live. She craves life. The last drop runs down her arm, and hangs on her finger-tip. Then, as if in slow motion it suddenly falls, and hits the floor.
Suddenly, as the gentle eyes close for the last time, her dying breath is a prayer for love and forgiveness for this sin. As her last breath is escaping, the sky seems to cry with the rain falling on the earth as one treasure, un-discovered, leaves it's arms...... ...
Here's my piece of shit that I wrote for to-day...
'Vortex'...
'Lies, Promises, Twisted love, broken in an instant...
Shattered pieces of imagined trust, laying in my hands...
Thoughts of suicide prevail against the darkness etched in-to my heart...
Hazy vortex, spinning, loud, growing thicker with each thought from dark, troubled thoughts, swiriling throught my mind...
It comes nearer, and, I be-gin to feel the magnetic force, as, it pills relentlessly at my soul...
I cling desperately to the love...The one thing that I have left...
In that one moment, my mind seems to be in slow motion, as I look pleadingly at that last breath of hope.
As time remails suspended, I see the soft, contours of the one face that I love, and, trust, turn black with an un-imaginable hate...
It then breaks in-to a thousand pieces, as that last breath is forced from my aching lungs...
And, my fingers pain-fully let go of life...
The darkness...The pain...The vortex...Wins...'
All I Wanted was a chance...To make things right...
All you wanted...Was the chance...To kill me inside...
All I wanted...Was to hold your hand...
All you wanted...Was to take me down...
All I wanted...Was to dream the dream that is connected to your heart...
All you wanted...Was to rip mine out...
All I wanted...Was to hear a word of love from your lips...All you wanted...Was to speak harshly to me...
All I wanted...Was to look at you, so that my eyes would light up, again...All you wanted...was to make me cry...
What happened to us?
Why did you betray me?
Why?
I'm glad I told you.
I'm glad I felt you.
How could you betray me?
Is this what you wanted?
I am not the same.
I'm just a girl.
You threw me away...
I loved you, more than my own life.
Now, I bleed for you.
When you are with those igits you call friends.
When you see the moon, bright, like my eyes, when I lookd at you.
When you see the sun-rise, or sun-set.
When you feel the balmy breeze, gently, caressing your face .
Remember You could have had me.
Remember that I loved you.
Remember me.;'
If I Do not wake tomorrow, will you still remember that I loved you?
If my eye-lids never open, to see the sun rise...Will you still remember them gently fluttering against your face?
If my lips lie cold, in the morning air, will you still remember the way they caressed your skin?
If my hands, never lift agin to life...Will you still remember the way I held you, and, never wanted to let you go?
Or will your memory, fade me in-to nothingness, as the morning mist melts, finally succumbing to the heat of the rising sun?
As I lie here, ready for death, my last breath is a plea, masked as a question...Please...
Will you remember me?...
One drop falls, a-gain...Red, and, wet as the last, but, each one, darker, than the last...
My tears, falling, un-willed...
I am out of control, as the demons, en-velop my mind...
Drunk on my own blood, my hand moves faster...
Over, and, over, and, over, it cuts...Deeper...Faster...
I feel no pain...
This time I will not stop...
I slowly lift my tear filled-eyes, and, they are refletcted in yours. They are as the ocean...EmptiLESS...Never-Ending...Full...
The lonliness over-takes me, as I continue my quest for no pain...
As the torture finally sib-sides, the pain returns, worse than be-fore...
As my breath escapes me, for the last time, the pain...Finally, leaves me for-ever, as it slips from my wrist...
I am free...
Ok, here's the first one...
Dripping...
Mangled Flesh, inferior, end-lessly falling, in-to fore-ver...
Mask, replaced by mask, new layers built on...
Hours ticking by, as decades...Sitting alone in the agony, of my mind...
Brooding, like the ocean, after light...Darkness envelopes me, as the silent murky, waters sweep over my head, illuminating the moon, across my tear stained face, as I wait for you...
I'm falling...Desperation is fulfilled, as the waves of pain orgasm intensly, over me...I am in excstacy...
As the tears slip down my face...My mind releases...I have let go...I finally let you slip through my fingers, like the softest rose petals...
I love you still...Even as I walk past you with-ought a word...Pretending that I am over you...
You have won...I am crushed...
Bruised...
Forsaken...
And, now...It's over...
I am un-done...
I have fallen...
Ok...Here is the song...Do you think that any-one would be interested in music for it? For any-one that has read any of my stuff, do I have any hope for a singing, song-writing, traveling career? LOL...I really am serious...
'True Colors'...
Now, I see your face again...
(((So clearly)))...
Vs. 1...
I thought that I silenced the memory of what we used to be...
But, now I wake from my dream, and, see that you never really could have cared a-bout me...Be-cause your...
***Chorus***...
True colors, so decieving...
Shining so brightly now...
I look at you...
You have won...
Even in all that you've done to me, baby...
I still find that love for you some-how...
---(((in-side me)))...
Vs. 2...
What is this you've done?
(((I'm alone)))...
Left me with a mess created by you...
I'm crying here...Reaching out to you...
As you turned and, walked away...
Your back to me...
Your walking...
I stare in wonder as I finally see your...
*Chorus*...
.. type=text/javascript>.. google_ad_client = "pub-9066369209837708"; google_ad_width = 120; google_ad_height = 240; google_ad_format = "120x240_as"; google_ad_type = "text_image"; google_ad_channel ="2802052065"; google_color_border = "FFFFFF"; google_color_bg = "FFFFFF"; google_color_link = "990000"; google_color_url = "990000"; google_color_text = "333333"; //-->..> .. src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js" type=text/javascript> ..> I Stare In-to the water...
It's balmy depth spring up to shimmer over me...
You used to be like that water...
Strong enough to keep me alive, and, yet, deep enough to kill me...
And, now...As I gaze in-to your eyes...
I see what you wanted to hide, all a-long...
All of your fears, in desperation, you cling to them...
Memories surface, as the air bubbles on the crystal water...
I see you...The way that it used to be...Now, it's changed...
I stare in-to the night sky...
It's black wonder, blanched by the lacy stars, bathing me in light...
You were always like that sky...
Sparkling, bright enough to let me know that you loved me...Yet, dark, and, mysterious enough to keep me wondering...
And, now, as I take your hand in mine, I see what has happened to you...
All of your hopes, with abandon, you have forsaken them...
And, I...Am left here, as you silently slip away...
As I look you in the eyes...I sink in-to them, as a mirage, begging you not to leave me...
As mutual tears fill our eyes, you slowly, release...And, let my hand fall to my side...
Backing away, slowly, you brush your lips a-gainst mine, soft as rose petals...
As you look lovingly at me, I blink, and, as my eyes open, you are gone...Dissapearing in-to the mist...Swollowed up in the dark, sky...Drowned in the crystal water...
How my heart aches to be with you...
As a candle flickers, and, goes out...So did a part of my soul...Go out, and, die...
But, it won't be long un-till I see your face, a-gain, my love...My darling...
It comes for me, as well...
He slowly wakes up...
Facing another day...
Turning to the world, with a smile...
Inside fighting a battle just to survive, each second...
The world, A bitter-sweet reminder, of love lost, that cuts...Sharper than the knife that tears his skin...
Tears fall, un-wanted, ever as he wants to end it all..
The pain be-comes too much...
The second it takes him to decide to live, is one second that is needed to give him reason for an-other...
The people in his life, hurting him...
Thinking he's not worth it...
He doesn't realize how others see him...
He looks in-to the mirror, and, sees himself...Completley different...
But, I peer over his shoulder, and, see...
A man, looking back...
One who is strong enough to last these years, and, not give up...
One who can hold on...
One who is worth it...
I'm just glad to be...
A friend...
4:42 PM 2 Comments(Add Comment) |2 Kudos Edit Remove
December 8, 2007 - Saturday
LEAVING..Again..
Current mood: blissful
I've been thinking. I'm ready to take a risk. To jump headlong into something wonderful. SO. ASAP..I will be leaving here, and, going to..Um. Another state, haha.
Lindsay..I am so sorry about last night. Please forgive me, and, now I will run away, and, hide forever.
Loraine..We'll talk..
Svetlana..YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY. Haha. I love you, so much. xx
1:40 PM 2 Comments(Add Comment) |2 Kudos Edit Remove
December 6, 2007 - Thursday
I Can No Longer Feel You There..
Current mood: cantankerous
Okay, so I was sitting in the bathroom listening to this one song, and, all of a sudden, I don't know how it happened, but, I was instantly taken back to the time and place that I was at emotionally two years ago, and, I was back in Loraine's apartment, walking to Plymouth from Saline, Outside of a drug house in Detroit, in Casey's yard, in her room, in her bed, in her arms, her in my arms. All of a sudden the pain...Came rushing back like so much at once, that I cannot handle it. All of the agony, the pain that takes you from the inside out, and, slowly twists and turns and pulls until it's a bloody mess and there's nothing that you can do but sit there and watch it happen. I can't take this, and, I know now that I never could. I just can't do this, and I burried it so far away from me that I felt only obessions and lust not love or at least I don't think so. I used to be so happy, and, it struck me that I can never go back. The innocence is lost, the pain is back. The pain that takes you away from yourself, and, you feel that you are going to die, and there's NOTHING THAT YOU CAN DO TO STOP IT. Nothing .Nothing. Ever. And, it grips you, and, it takes your soul from you.
I for some reason all of my lfie was born with the ability to love...Genuinely, from the heart, withought question. I went through my life super-sensitive to pain, both mine, and, others, and lived in a bubble of myself. Then Casey...I met Casey, and my bubble, my walls, my fears were broken, torn down, and, shattered. I loved her with a passion that does not exist for many people, and, the thing is that it was returned to me.
But, when she left me, I began to be what I am now. The three year process to becoming nothing at all. Nothing but a shell. And, up until now, tonight, this NIGHT, I have been pushing it away. I used to say that I couldn't live withought her, that this would eventually kill me. But, then through some miricle, I gently shoved it aside, and moved on with my life or so I thought. I moved on in the way that I could function if you want to call it that. The pain went away. It was always under the surface, and I knew that, but I didn't feel the consistant presence of the agony.
I wish that there were words to describe what pain is. What pain that I went through. The pain that never leaves. The pain that is consistantly binding you, dragging you down, tying you up, beating you, raping you, torturing you. Constantly. You smile for the sake of those that love you, you laugh for the same sake. You make yourself out to be not necessarily okay, but, living. Alive. Breathing, always aware that people love you, yet, sometime I just realize over and over, that it's just not enough to have people love you, because, it no longer has the power to reach the depths of your heart and soul, and, cannot even breach the surface, anymore.
The constant fear that you cannot control the pain, the constant panic that everyone will see, yet, a part of you begs, screams, longs, pleads, and, begs for someone...Anyone to hear you. For someone to see you. The person underneath that mask. The one that is dying. Slowly. Agonizingly, torturously. You function to live, yet, inside I stopped breathing a long time ago. But, your heart...It just won't stop beating. It goes on, and, with each beat it gets louder and louder and louder and LOUDER and it hurts so much. You become aware of each agonizing beat, and, hear it, feel it, and, with every beat, it bruises even more. Black and blue it becomes, until it starts getting bloody. Bloody, and messy, and yet it just won't stop. Won't break free. Won't let you go. It just won't let you go. It just won't stop.
You sit there every day, scared, alone, although surrounded by people that 'love' you, yet, isolated, and, you panic, yet are calm. You wish for death, yet, cannot do it. You pray for release, but, it's only temporary, even when you do get it. God, it just won't let you go. I cannot do this anymore.
I turned to God, I turned to Witchcraft, and, even Satan, and, still...Nothing helped ease this pain.
I moved to Auora, Illinois, met Sam, started a relationship, I did care about her, but, she fell for me so damn hard. I was looking for Casey, though.
Then I met Rob...He was in a drug house, and, I lived there with him on and off, and, then he dumped me for Helena, then fucked us both over, in the end.
I was with someone else, but, at the moment, I can't even remember who she was.
Then Lauren came along, and, we started a friendship/relationship based on role-playing, but, me being myself came and loved her, anyways. Even though I knew that it was all fucking fake. I saw Casey in her...But, that was the person that she was pretending to be. Then the real her came out, and, I do love her. I love her more than I could ever say in words. But, I don't want to hurt her. I want her in my life, but at the moment, I cannot feel anything but this pain. I reached out for someone, anything, and, found only air...I don't even feel love at this moment. Not for anyone. Not for nothing.
Then all along there was the girl who is my current girlfriend. She'd always been there for me, and, we'd dated a bit, before, during all of this shit, but, now..She's back in my life, and, I feel that I love her. But, do I know it? Yesh, yes, I do believe that I love her. I know it. But, something has changed, and, I don't know what it is, but, it scares me. And, I've broken up with her. And, now, I don't know if she'll forgive me. I've not been this emotionally scared shitless in an oh so very long time..I love you, baby..
I can't feel anything...Even this pain is not like it was, but, is now a consistant throb throb inside me, that borders on numbness, but in another way, is the most clarity that I have had in so long.
I cannot take this pain. It...Is killing me.
Please...Save me...Somebody.
I don't know if I can win this time...xXx...
1:29 AM 2 Comments(Add Comment) |3 Kudos Edit Remove
December 5, 2007 - Wednesday
Goodbye, Love..
Current mood: depressed
Alright. I've broken up with my girlfriend. Why? I man..I understand that what she is going through is horrible, and, bad, and, I would have done anything for that girl. Let me tell you, there's an amazing thing going on when I can love someone again, after all that I have been through. Casey..Samantha..Rob..And, then the fucking liar, Lauren. I really think that I was in love with her. Maybe still am, to a certain degree. There is no way that I should be able to love again. They all hurt me. Ended up horrible. Then I find this really good thing. This girl who is bright, lovely, intelligent, loving, kind..And, what happens? I fuck up. I fall in love with her. Then, I realize that she's still stuck in the same kind of mess that I was in three years ago with Casey.
And, I will not be anyone's rebound. EVER. EVER. I cannot do it, I simply cannot do it.
I am hurting, oh so very much, right now. I cannot stop crying. I just can't. But ,it had to be done. It's over. Forever. And, now I can die in peace, at some point. No transplant. No heart healing. Just me. Dead. As soon as my heart can arrange to turn on itself.
God, baby. I love you. Always, and, forever. You're always my darling girl. But, this is over, now. Forever.
Goodbye. xx
7:54 PM 6 Comments(Add Comment) |6 Kudos Edit Remove
December 5, 2007 - Wednesday
Leaving Michigan.
Current mood: betrayed
I'll be leaving.
Soon.
I'll make an extended blog today abuot why.
Tonight is the last night that I will be feeling like this.
xx
11:24 AM 5 Comments(Add Comment) |2 Kudos Edit Remove
December 4, 2007 - Tuesday
Once again, I cannot forgive myself. xx
Current mood: crushed
What can I say? I know that I have let everyone down, agian. There is no denying that, in any way, shape, or, form.
More importantly, I have let myself down, and, for that I have no reasonable answer, nor can I request forgiveness, because, that would be asking too much on the part of those that I love. But, they all want to give it to me, anyways. What have I done? Jesus, why are you forsaking me?? Then I hear Your voice, and, it sends me into peace, only shortlived. What can I do? I am oh so very confused.
As for my life..It appears to be over, again. I hate that. That feeling blows. I can't stop it, yet, what can I do?? I can only watch my life go by, as I see it, standing outside of my own body, and, screaming my head off. But, I never hear myself. I've never heard anything..Not really..
Plans that could be bad, are as follows:
Do nothing, and, end up dead.
Do something, and, end up dead.
Do not change anything about myself, and, my ways, and, end up dead.
Good things? I don't know. Get a job, get my life back. But, I think that I have to do that alone. I seem to be destined to be alone, because, all that I do is make others miserable.
This love that I have inside of me is burning me down. Burning, like a fire. That cannot be quenched. This is over. Now. It must end. It must stop. I cannot live like this anymore, but, I cannot change how I feel. God, forgive me, because, once agian, I cannot forgive myself. xx
5:43 PM 6 Comments(Add Comment) |8 Kudos Edit Remove
December 4, 2007 - Tuesday
Drunkenness.......AGAIN..Just Fucking Kill Me, And, Get It Over With..xx
Current mood: crappy
I fucked up, again ,big time..
I got drunk..I now have cuts all over myself, I have a bruise that could turn into something more on my shoulder..I fell into the fan, with my face..My face started bleeding, then my fingers did.
I started putting spells on the people that I love.
I said that someone that I care for will die within two months.
I tried to call my girlfriend, only to not be able to find the fucking phone when she called me back.
I punched Loraine. I swore at her.
I went to John's to get a light for my cigarette.
I knocked on Tom's door at 2 in the morning.
I tried to leave to get an airplane ticket to California..DRUNK, AND WALKING AROUND the street in the middle of the night. I apparently couldn't find my shoes, so I put Paul's shoes on, and, I went outside, and, started walking down the street.
Um. I was at that point going to Laura's.
I physically fought with Loraine.
I hexed the apartment.
I threatened to call the police on her, because, she slapped my face.
I HATE THE FUCKING POLICE.
Um..
I lost the lense for my glasses.
I sent a package of cigarettes flying into thin air.
This all happened in one fucking night.
And, that's only half of what I did, last night..
Kill me..xx
2:12 PM 3 Comments(Add Comment) |4 Kudos Edit Remove
December 2, 2007 - Sunday
I Just Want To Be Held..Just For A Little While.. |
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