I don't know where to go from here. I've spent my life in shadows and the dark, because I thought that I didn't deserve the light. The darkness is my home. So, what happens when you feel as if you have been expelled from your only home? The only home that you have ever known? Why does the sky keep on being blue when the world is going to end in blood and darkness? Where is the light that they tell me is there? It's there only for a fleeting moment, enough to drive you mad with hope and then crush you underneath the feet of your worst nightmares? You speak of light and love and yet you have no concept of reality if you still believe that it will all be alright in the end. You are worthless if you cannot understand that it doesn't matter what you do today, the future is nothing but death and destruction. You refuse to see what your eyes tell you must be true, because you still live in the fantasy dreamland of a world where good conquers evil, and light overcomes darkness. Fools. It will never be that way, again and I just hope for your sake that you can see tha tbefore it's too late. It alreay is coming. It's here. And, you can't even see it for the blindness within. I will never let you hurt me again. My body may long for you. My soul may ache with the absense of your arms around me holding me safe from the dark. Because, you were the one person who I was content to be in the dark with. Together forever you said. In darkness we will reign. And, I will never let you go. There's this thing inside of me, this morbid longing to simply say yes to death, but to look it square in the eye whilst doing so. Not in defeat, exactly, but, rather with the knowledge that you've done what you can to resist, and, still be open to the distinct realization that all is lost. Despite the valiant efforts of those around you to become your saviour, the realization that as I said...All is lost. Fall in love with the sin, pay the devil. Fall in love with the Devil, there's hell to pay. Either way, you lose and stand there undressed, naked, completley exposed that which you've sold your soul to keep hidden, forever. What is it about this journey that keeps people travelling it? If you take an honest introspective look at it, it becomes vividly clear in all of its rotten bleakness. Some people are content not asking why, and expecting an answer in return. I, on the other hand am not. Is this mortal coil worth the pain, the tears, the extreme agony for a few seconds of pleasure and joy that you create for yourself, or, recieve along the way? And, they really believe that praying to their God will do anything but give them a false hope of what will never be? CURSE this God and wake up to realize that there is noone who is going to rescue you. Noone to save us now. All is lost. Yet, here I remain, still a slave to that which can never be, again. What is normality? Honestly, it's people walking about acting like they haven't a care in the world, denying what they hope noone can see but everyone does. There is no darkness blacker that living in denial of reality. You may never be able to comprehend what I am speaking of, but maybe someday you will, and, maybe someday I will no longer care. God help you and me both when that day comes. Covering your eyes with a blanket of denial to the truth may provide a comforting blanket for now, but just wait. Someday, someone will rip that completley off of you and you'll finally be the one who is left in the cold. Elbereth bless you and help you. Believe me, you're going to need it. In me, you will find many secrets. Many dreams. Many thoughts. Many lies. Many answers to your questions. And, most of all many mysteries. For that is what I am, and, shall remain to those who cannot see past their own blindness. Enjoy your ignorance while it lasts, because trust me, it will come to an abrupt end. See where you are now, but who will be there to save you when all is dark and you finally realize exactly what you really are? What you know in your head, and what you've been told about me, will take you only so far. But, what your heart tells you is for all eternity, the truth, forevermore. The future is like this black dark hole, lined with the sharpest razorblades. So go on, and jump into the unknown. I dare you. 'On the beach, I remind myself That holding hands is so powerless Tonight, I don't even have the stars To hold onto' No impressive words, nothing. This is my heart. How. How does one accomplish the sqelching of memories of being held, and loved and safe? How does one take away the voice inside your head of the one that you loved? Because, everyone knows that when you're with somebody, that person's voice is the sweetest music, the best song, the most delicious tasting ice cream in the world. How do you just erase that? I've tried so hard. I've been with other chicks. I've gone back and forth all of the time, having no home. I've left my family/friends just to go and be in the same f***ing state as her, I've been raped, I've been treated like a w****, when I'm not. I've been beaten up to the point where I had to go to the emergency room, I've become a crackhead. Not now, but then. All to be near where she is. The pain is too much, I do not know what to do, anymore. How could she just leave me? How could she leave me and..Never look back? I will love you, always and forever.' 'Words are cheap, people are fickle.' That is my new selfmade motto. I've even loved another chick. Helena. BUT..The memories, oh god the voice. Still comes back to me, and I feel that my heart is going to break all over again. I've become a worthless shell of myself, since all of this happened, AND I CAN'T TAKE ANYMORE. Please..God I..I can't take anymore, I just can't take anymore. And I just wanna get your f*cking voice out of my head!!!!!! Ok, I'm finished now. Go ahead and tell me that I want attention, that I'm an idiot, that you all hate me. Go ahead. I don't care, this time.
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