Too Much Pain.

I have an anger in me right now that is scary even to me. It is fueled by a pain so deep that most could not comprehend. I was born unconditionally loving. And never comprehended why everyone was so angry. Well I get it more now. I fled this situation I am in 20 years ago, and I was so innocent, not aware of the corruption of the dark ones, masquarading as human flesh. Disgusting stinky men. I dont apologize for saying it, all they have ever done is rape my body and soul and I will never let it happen again. BUT. Leaving here I was so innocent and trusting and I got hurt and stomped down so quickly I WAS RAISED AROUND AMISH COMMUNITIES. Not that I didnt have other interactions, but I was very sheltered. My mom was all about courthsip and even had a picture taken of me signing a purity contract with my father, and him putting a ring on my finger. Looking back that sounds really icky. But whatever. I wore that ring long after I had been ravaged by the filth in Michigan. I am sick and tired of everyone telling me to LET IT GO and then when it comes to my dad cheating that its NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. Get your head outta your behind for one split second and try to realize what it was like for me to learn of his infidelity, have them both leave me, and then I get this great offer from a mentor online, to come and live with her and her husband. Yet another filthy pig that just wanted this innocent little girl from Amishville. I was not perfect by any means in any of this, but every touch, look, body movement, word, or lack of a word I FELT EVERYTHING EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU WERE FEELING AND MOST OF THE TIME IT WAS THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF WHAT WAS COMING OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Thats humans for you right? I DONT DO THAT. NOT ANYMORE. I DONT TELL PEOPLE WHAT THEY WANNA HEAR. You have zero idea how much I am very quickly changing. I even got sick of women, because all that happened was we invested SO MUCH energy into each other and then..........Bam.........They met me...........There was cuddles and other things physically, the one even kept sneaking over to spend the nights with me. My god am I so nauseating and hideous and worthless that you had to leave me the WAY you did?!  Yes I know ' Trish just get over it. ' STOP SAYING THAT. Ill get over it when Im ready. In fact, I am about to blow my own mind, and say IM OVER IT. Does that make you feel better? There was ZERO closure, there may have been a set up involving this entire thing, but hey its just Trish so who cares. MY NAME ISNT EVEN TRISH YOU FOOLISH 1'S. Sigh. I just wanted you to love me. I wanted....You to stay. To prove that cheaters and liars and scorners didnt matter because WE HAD EACH OTHER AND YOU HAD TO GO AND FUCK IT UP. THIS IS 10 YEARS WORTH OF ME BLOWING UP NOW AND IM ABOUT TO TAKE A STEP ACROSS A CERTAIN LINE. I need to feel alive again. And I am not looking for a person to make that happen.  The thing with emotions is that they are unpredictable and uncontainable. You don’t control how you feel towards someone, and that’s exactly why nobody will ever truly understand how or why you feel the way you do. You can’t actively stop your brain from thinking about someone. You can’t help it when you hear a song and it reminds you of them, or when you see something they like and your brain reroutes to thinking about them. You can see other people, but you can’t help it if you go out and can’t look at your date the same way you see the other person. Your body may be present, but your heart and mind are often miles away. Trust me I dont want to love you. The bottom line is that no matter what you tell someone, you will never change how they feel about someone else; and there’s nothing you can do about that. Telling someone to, “Get over it,” is an insensitive (and ignorant) way of dismissing their feelings.

''I wanna stand with you on a mountain
I wanna bathe with you in the sea
I wanna lay like this forever
Until the sky falls down on me'''

Just was hoping not everyone is like my dad. This is not an angry post towards any of you. I love you. <3