Shadows Of Fantasia........
by I Fear Who I Am Beco

Unlovable?

07/04/2022

It is time I told the truth. Figured it was time I wrote something new instead of regurgitating my past posts. My bones are so tired but I am going to write this, and if you think that I should be positive ( a liar ) than just keep scrolling. IF however you want the TRUTH then read on:

I have had a perpetual problem with letting go of the past all my life. And people keep telling me to let the past stay dead. But you dont understand a few things. 1. I dont remember 80 percent of my life. 2. I got stuck emotionally and maturing wise at 17 years old. I am 17. Understand that and you might assimilate who I am. 3. The worst and best memories I have is in the past. The present is a loop that I cannot get out of, every single day. If people knew who I really was, they would run away. Even you. And that is fine with me.

Its time I told the truth.

You know me as sick Morgie Lymie Fibro NO THYROID Trish. Desperate, helpless, up shit creek without a paddle Trish. THAT IS NOT WHO I AM. Its just who I have had to be, to survive thus far.

I am a little girl who was born into a world where every look, word, touch, tone-of-voice, traumatized her. Unconditional love, unrestricted love, overlooked so many wrongs done against me, people stealing money from me right before my eyes, someone cutting half my hair off while asleep, stealing my clothes, music, books, food, drugs, cigarettes, and worst of all, pieces, parts, and fragments of my heart and soul. Every time they hurt me, I FELT BAD FOR THEM AND INSTANTLY FORGAVE. What?! They thought they would teach me a lesson, thought that I WAS GULLIBLE WHICH I WAS, therefore I deserved what I got. WHY? Wtf.

They called me monster, and therefore I became it. They said I was stupid and worthless. I WAS PURE HEARTED AND THEY COULDNT WAIT TO HELP ME CORRUPT MYSELF. There was 2 me's. The pure, unconditional loving one, and the one that when she did a certain drug, would do anything and anyone to get it. And people were all too ready to help me be a whore so we could share the drugs we got from it. Yes you are reading this correctly. And there was a darkness in me that was very POWERFUL, especially when angry, and people helped that along too.

But the blond haired sweet girl was in there screaming and pulling me back, and if you knew the truht youd probably hate me. THERE WAS ONLY ONE OF US ( ME ) THAT WAS GOING TO MAKE IT OUT ALIVE. I turned into the monster. And people did what they did when I was a teenager, they ran away, they abandoned me EVERYONE THAT I KNEW GROWING UP, EVERYONE I THOUGHT LOVED ME, EVERY HOMESCHOOL PERSON, EVERY OTHER PERSON. Gone. And yet they said they loved me. i cant take this anymore. NOONE ON HERE KNOWS ME cept the ones who knew me in person. i cant take it anymore. im either going to delete fb or tell the truth and be the real me.

Right before your very eyes...........I am slipping into this push and pull. PEOPLE are telling me to let go of the past. They dont comprehend thats the only place I ever felt anything real. This person for 7 years has been SICK and SCARED and ALONE and GUINEA PIGGED BY PEOPLES MEDICINES AND HERBS TO DEATH AND BACK A THOUSAND TIMES. I AM NOT EVEN PHYSICALLY REAL ANYMORE. BUT OH MY HEART YOU HAVE NO IDEA.

I AM TOO INTENSE FOR THIS WORLD!!!!!! I feel TOO MUCH.

I AM NOT WHAT THIS WORLD WANTED TO SEE OR HEAR.

I WAS REJECTED SINCE BIRTH. So technically I am what you made me. Be proud, bitches. Fuck.

I have thought so many times of killing the good in me. But I found out the hard way that was impossible.

Where are the people who said they loved me. NOWHERE. Scared of me? Angry with me? I burned all the bridges? Why? Because I was REAL AND RAW AND UGLY AND THEY COULDNT DEAL.

I wish more than anything in this world to go back to before any of this. And I cant.

Oh please!!!!!!! Dont you understand there are people like me who die at 25 and arent buried till they are 70. I dont feel like you, my skin is fake, my neck held up by a LIE. And all of you just...........Think you know what youre talking about. Before Jehovah God, you know NOTHING. I pray to God you never are targeted to the level I am. You think you know pain? BE IN MY SHOES FOR AN HOUR. Im done. Last negative post that I will write on purpose. Dont tell me how to be, feel, speak, articulate, I HATE LABELS. I love SOULS regardless of the gender. I love women.

I have been in love with the same person for 11 years. And she wont even talk to me. There is too much. So much. PAIN. And there was never a way to move ON to go ON to live ON.

Goshdarnit I could write all night and once again make my fingers bleed but it wouldnt be worth it because you still wouldnt comprehend.

Just try to practice lovingkindness to any and everyone you meet.

You got no fucking clue what they are going through. Peace. Love, The Monster.

''Another love taken to the grave. Another one goes right down the drain. I keep making all the same mistakes. Is there anyone left to believe? Is there any good still left in me? I keep slipping further underneath. Thought I had a heart of gold

Everything I touch turns to stone

Is it my fault I always end up alone?

Well, maybe I'm just difficult

Maybe I'm impossible