I am young; I have been married for several years and have no children. My marriage was based on lies. The man I fell in love with and married was all a lie. My husband is angry and sometimes violent, he doesn't hit me but he uses violence to make me submit when we fight. We haven't had sex in 6 months, before that it was 3 months and before that it was 3 months. When we do have sex I feel uncomfortable and nervous. I want affection and love but he is so different and I have to beg for it and when I get it, it doesn't feel good. It feels forced and awkward. I have always said I wanted a divorce if certain small things are not changed, like the sex, affection and communication. He has never even tried to fix those things. We went to counseling and nothing changed. I am miserable but afraid to leave. My husband will be so alone if I make him leave. His family lives far away and he doesn't have many friends. Everyone loves him though; he is an amazing friend, just a terrible husband.
Did I cheat?
The other night out of the blue my ex (who I have secretly missed and loved since the day I met him when I was 15) text me an innocent text about a non sexual dream he had about me and oddly enough being on the TV show jeopardy. This ex was my boyfriend for several years but we broke up because we were very young and we wanted different things. I stupidly wanted to be married and he wanted to finish college and for me to go to college. We have remained awkward friends ever since and had a few late night conversations (usually when he was out drinking with friends) and talked about our regrets but when he was sober the next day he would say he didn't mean everything he said. His mother said that he told her he didn't want to get between a marriage and that he loved me but I had to get divorced for me and not for any man.
So the text came in at 11:00 pm and we text back and forth for several hours and I will admit, I did flirt and maybe lead him on a bit, the attention was irresistible. Then he text me "I feel guilty for asking but do you want to make out in front of your house?" I laughed because it was such a humorously immature text but so exciting. I have NEVER touched another man since I was married and this particular ex even seemed uncomfortable when we hugged at mutual friend's parties. I have very high morals and think cheating is the worst thing you can do but the sad broken down girl inside me, crying for affection stupidly text back "yes, I do." I didn't actually think the next text would come back "ok, I am outside your house." I never actually thought I would sneak out of my bed leaving my sleeping husband lying there and put on my PJs and walk outside but I did. I NEVER thought we would actually kiss but after about and hour of talking about life and very deep issues with the loss of his grandmother he said my name (he is the only one who calls me by a particular nick name, it made my stomach jump hearing it) and leaned in, putting his hands on either side of my face (my husband never touches my face when we kiss and I miss it sooooo badly) and kissed me, long and passionately. His hands caressed my face and my neck as we continued to kiss. His left swept over my sweater and his finger ran just along the neckline of my shirt and across my cleavage. His right hand ran through my tousled, wavy hair and he gripped the hair at the base of my head, holding it tightly. During our long previous relationship he was always overly soft with me so this act of gentle forcefulness made chills run up my spine, he is a man now. It was sexy. We continued to kiss for a few minutes until the guilt inside me overran the passion and I pulled away. I told him I should go back in and we talked for a few more minutes. We hugged quickly and I ran back inside my house, talking off my clothes before entering my bedroom where my husband slept. I crept back in to bed, nervous, exhilarated, guilty and feeling alive in a way that I hadn't felt since before I said "I do" to the man who married me for the money he needed to fuel his sex addiction, the addiction that doesn't include me.
Am I a horrible person? I am working on the strength to finally file for divorce. I have to do this for me. I got a taste of what feeling alive felt like and it pains me to go back to feeling numb all for the sake of not being a failure in my marriage. |
Loading...
I think that you should have left him before you did that.. because you did in fact cheat. Divorce him, plain and simple