Swallow My Pride

Where to begin?

I'm seriously considering making an appointment to discuss my depression with someone. It's a hard thing to admit, even harder to make that first step. I told my husband today and he said "Well you did just have a baby." But like I told him, let's not kid ourselves, I've been battling this for a long time. I've had a problem since around age 12... I started cutting around 13 or 14, and it's never been treated. I was on anti-depressant for like 2 weeks when I was 23.

Some of it may be lack of vitamin D, some of it may be post partum but most of it, is me. I don't really want to do much, beside sit at home and read or sit online and literally not do anything. I'll just sit here, refreshing Facebook.

I'm distant with my friends. Not on purpose of course and I can say "Well I'm a mother of 3, I don't have time to hang out." Which, 99% of the time IS true, but the other part of it? I have no ambition to put on my brave face. When I am with the girls, we have fun but at the same time, I feel disconnected from them. Like I'm no longer in the "circle", I'm an outcast with my friends, I'm a freak.

I take care of my kids, I do what I need to do to get by and really, that's it... I cook, minimal cleaning, I take Shawn back and forth to work, I shop when I need to, and that's really about it. That's the extent of my life...

I feel like a failure for admitting this and even more so when I post it... but I'm trying to take the first step, no matter how hard it is. Tomorrow, I'm going to call someone whether it's my doctor or a counseling place. I'm so sick of feeling like this, I'm ready to feel better.

Stay tuned for there may be some interesting post coming soon...