So the other day I was doing some pricing for daycare centers in the area to see which was more affordable. I'm not so comfortable leaving my son with a private daycare provider, as in one of the women who watch children out of their home because I've seen those movies- I know what creepers some people can be. Maybe that sounds silly or overprotective, but I'm not sure you can really overprotect your children when it comes to leaving them in the care of a stranger. The lowest price I found was 166/week unless I can get some assistance, like child care vouchers, but I'm not going to hold my breath on that because I've applied for assistance probably 200 times, made phone calls, left messages... the only thing I haven't done is marched into the social services office and held a gun to someone's head demanding I get some help. I don't even want a lot of help. I don't want to be a welfare mom- not that I'm hating on welfare moms because trust me, I know we have to do what we have to do to get by especially when children are involved. I just think that there are people that have it worse off than me, and they should get the help before I do. I just want daycare vouchers because I really can't afford $200 a week.
The other day, Eric trapped me against the wall and apologized and kissed me. Hard. He says that he loves me, but he hates me too, and he wants things to work out so I have to start acting like I do too otherwise he'll distance himself. I don't really think that's fair. And I don't really know if I want things to work out. I think too much damage has been done, and like I said in my previous entry, I'm over him. I'm not a doormat anymore. Just like my favorite song, Jar of Hearts by Christina Perri says, "I know I can't take one more step towards you cause all that's waiting is regret. And don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore? You lost the love I loved the most..." And just like I told my mom... I want my BOYFRIEND. MY Eric. But he's lost somewhere, and I can't help him now. But all roads lead back to him. In order to get a job, I need his help. I can't afford $200 a month plus rent, utilities... I just can't right now. So I'm trapped. I have to play happy little housewife to accomplish anything. Really, I want to be that girl... but something feels so wrong about this. I don't even know. Its emotionally crippling. I touch his things, and my arms start to shake, bad. Being near him makes me nervous and afraid.
My horoscopes are telling me some weird things too... that this is the time to move on and find someone new. Mine literally said that its time to revamp my online profile- haha, to bad I don't have one! One horoscope said to stop looking into the past and lean towards someone new this month. Eric's is saying the same thing. Eric's is actually saying that he'll find fireworks at the end of the month. Good for him I guess. My horoscopes are telling me to listen- that someone is trying to tell me something I'm not ready to hear yet and that if I'm not ready to see what the future holds, then I need to stop looking... So I went and did something crazy... you all can tell me what you think about it if you read this far. I made an appointment with a PSYCHIC! Yeah I know I'm going to waste $100, but you know what- everyone needs to believe in something. And actually she doesn't charge that much... she charges like $35-50 depending on the service and the extent of it all. She charges $35 for a in depth tarot card, evidently there are several kinds. For a less extensive reading with less cards, she only charges $25, and then for a psychic reading she charges $50. So ultimately I'll be paying $80 dollars and even if I don't find some sort of inner peace or clarity after all of this, at least I can say this something that I have experienced because I've always wanted to do one of these things.
I'm kind of afraid at the same time. Do I really want to see what the future might hold for me? I'm not sure. I don't like surprises, I can tell you that much. I would probably cry if the psychic told me I was going to die at an early age or something like that. At the same time, I don't put too much stake into these things as I read horoscopes for fun and although most times I read them they are eerily accurate, I think that our lives are what WE make of them and that while we might have some sort of fate planned out for us in the end if you believe in that, I think we have the power to change our destiny or at least the path we travel. Eric got his palm read one time and it said that school is not in his future, but he's here and he's almost finished his class for his certification. He only has about 9 more months in total. If the person he saw was really legit, he changed his course in life. I don't know- I'm nervous and excited all at the same time.
Have you ever seen a psychic or do you follow horoscopes? How do you feel about it? |
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