Boyfriend and I got into it again, which lead to some unexpected resolutions. We were talking about something, and I can't remember what, or someone said something and you know how it goes... and I asked him again if he loved me and he wanted to be with me, what were all the other girls for? Why did he need to talk to them and initiate the flirting and the planning? Like the girl he talked to one month before we moved here... I didn't know this until recently when I found it on his myspace, but one month before we moved here together- which I didn't want to come. I wanted to be with him, but I didn't want to come all the way here, taking my son 300 miles away from his family. He begged me to come, said that he wouldn't come without me, and that we needed to be a real family. At that exact same time, he was flirting with some chick, telling her that she's hot, she's sexy and they need to hook up sometime. At the exact same time. We got into it because he said it wasn't my business, and while I disagreed it was more or less a whatever moment.
Shortly after I called to see if when his day off was because I wanted to make an appointment to see a councilor. I feel mentally abused. I feel lost. I feel used. I feel like I'm supposed to be strong and have a plan on behalf of my son, but in reality after digging deeper I really want to give my son to my parents for a little while because I don't know if I can be a good mother with a mentality like this, feeling as unstable and insecure as I do. Unsure of myself. Unsure of anyone, everything. Anyway, he asked me where I was going, and if I was going to meet some guy off of Craigslist. That offended me, because I'm not a prostitute and I don't know where he would get off saying things like that. I told him its none of his business, that if I can't be in his business he can't be in mine. He said that he can because I want to use HIS car, which pissed me off because I paid for that car for the past 6 months, and I don't even use the damn thing. Obviously he was still trying to be a jerk. I called my mom because I was irritated. She was irritated by him too and so she called him and tried to fight my battle for me, which I don't like but I appreciate because for the first time since I was a child, my mom was standing up for me. My mom and I haven't had any sort of relationship since I was about 10.
I called Boyfriend back at some point to see if he had gotten his schedule yet and he really let me have it. He unleashed on me and said that my mom called him and he doesn't appreciate it. He said that I make him sick, I give him migraines, and if I'm staying in this apartment for any second longer then he is going back. I was in shock. All I wanted was to go see a councilor and maybe get some help. Maybe have someone talk to me so I can straighten out my head some and move on to the next chapter in my life. That is all I wanted to do. I told him that if that is how he wanted to be, then I was going to sign a new lease and stay for the next year just to see him leave. That pissed him off, and I knew it would, and I never would really do that because I want to get out of this apartment regardless. He said that he knows things that I don't know. He said that he told everyone here that all he is trying to do is work to support our family and all I do his physically abuse him. Really, there was nothing I could say. I just hung up. I called my mom back, and she said she was going to come get me and my son asap. I called Boyfriend back and told him that he wins and that I wouldn't be here when he got home from work, but I thought I'd let him know out of respect.
All of a sudden he wanted to talk. When he got home, he started talking, but I really, really let it all out. I pretty much told him everything that I've told you all, and probably some things that I haven't because sometimes things just come out easier when your in the heat of the moment as opposed to when you are trying to retell the story. He said that he's sorry that he hurt me, and he realizes that a part of him died sometime long ago. He said that he never understood how I really felt, which I don't understand because I've only tried to tell him a million times. He said that the girls don't mean anything to him, otherwise I wouldn't be here, and that his only remaining grace in all of this is that he's never done anything with those girls, but he admits that it doesn't make it all okay. And he said that he has a problem- he's been like this with all of his exes.. not just me. He said that all he thinks about is sex, and having conversation like that with all sorts of girls is fun. He said that its all in fun, but he really has no desire for them, but its hard to believe that seeing some of those conversations. He basically said he's a sex addict, and people do things they don't want to do when they are addicts all the time. He said its like an alcoholic or drug addict who knows their family and friends are hurting, but they can't get away from their habit. They feel bad, but the urge is too strong for addicts. He said that is how he feels... he knows he hurts me, and he hates that about himself but he just can't stop. He doesn't know why he does it he says. He then said he never told anyone anything about what we've been through- that he just said that to hurt my feelings too.
So now I'm still here, because he asked me to at least stay and help and I feel semi-comfortable now about it because of what he said. I feel like if he really is an addict.. addicted to sex, addicted to the thrill of talking to all these girls.. addicted to the rush he gets from doing something he isn't supposed to do... I don't know what it is. But he's done this with everyone, and so I know he won't stop it for me. If he really is an addict, he needs to get some help. But that isn't my call, and so I'm officially over it. So from now on I won't call him Boyfriend. I'll call him Eric, because that is his name. And for once and for all, I'm letting him go. I'm letting all of this go. He told me the truth, and that's all I ever wanted, so now I feel like I can be at peace. It still hurts- of course it does... and I feel like I'll need a lot of time, a lot a lot of time and really maybe some counseling to get through this. If he really is an addict, then he doesn't belong to me. He never did. He's got his own demons to face, and I can't sit around hoping that he will change because now I understand.
And the crazy part is about this whole thing is that a friend of mine was asking questions about him that I couldn't answer, and I realized that after almost 3 years of being together, I really don't know him. All I know is whatever he thought that I needed to know. My mom said she went through this as well... she met a man who brought out the best in her. She felt that he was everything she ever wanted.. she said that she was brainwashed in a way because with him she felt that good. At the end when the relationship was rocky and she and him ended up breaking up, she said she realized that a big part of the relationship was missing the whole time- the honesty, the conversation.. the part where you are really supposed to know someone. She never really knew him. All she knew is how he made her feel. They never had a real intimate connection- it was all physical, and I guess that is what I've realized about Eric and I. We just never were. It was all just surface, but nothing deeper than that.
Its time to let go. Its time to start loving myself, and focusing all my energies on my son and not this guy that who doesn't deserve us. I hope one day he finds the love that helps him through his struggles. I know he will, because he's still a great guy even with his demons. He's got a good heart, and I told him that. He's a great guy, but he got lost somewhere along the way. He'll find his way again one day, and I know it. I wish I could be that one to help him through this and to be by his side. I'm just not the one. Not anymore. |
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